Play, Pause, Rewind
by xXxThe Phantom's RosexXx
Summary: There are songs that, when played after years gone by, bring back so many memories. Some of these memories are filled with happiness, and others not so much; but each one is special to us in someway or another. When Helen sends Clare a package of some of her old things from high school, and in it is her old iPod, what emotions and stories will be replayed when she presses 'play'
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I am channeling a bunch of old school "Dasey" fanfiction with this idea, but it's been on my mind for awhile now, and I just had to write it down. So this is it. Welcome to my iPod Challenge type of story. I hope you enjoy, and maybe can find some new songs to listen to based on the songs I've included here. Enjoy! Also, I know some of the airdates of the songs and stuff are off, but it's for the sake of the story so don't nitpick! **

Songs That Give You Memories That Give You Goosebumps

Chapter One  
Song: Taking Chances  
Artist: Celine Dion, Remake by GLEE

It had been a long day when Clare's cellphone rang. She had had a busy day at the New York Reporter, and was in desperate need of a bubble bath and a glass of pino. She was in no mood for talking to anyone, but when her cell rang and MOTHER popped up on the caller ID, Clare knew she probably should answer it.

"Hello?"

"Clare?"

"Mom? What's up? How are you?"

"Oh, you know," Helen sighed, and Clare's heart ached for her mother, having to go through a second divorce and all, "I'm getting by."

"Are you sure you don't need me to come out and help you?" Clared asked, "Really, I can..."

"I am not taking you away from that job of yours," Helen insisted, "I am calling because I am packing up some of your things from your old room, and was wondering if you wanted me to ship them to you, or donate them to the church's charity drive. A lot of this stuff is from high school, and I know it may be painful for you to look at..."

"Send it," Clare said, not skipping a beat.

"But honey, a lot of this stuff...you're busy with your new job, and I just don't think you should be picking at old scars..."

"Mom, I'm fine," Clare insisted, "Please. Send it. It'll be fun. I can call Adam up and he and I can go through some of it together. We'll make a night of it. It'll be fun."

"Are you sure? I just don't want some of this stuff to..."

"Mom, all that stuff is in the past. Besides, it'll be good for me to go through some of this stuff, alright? And Adam will come over, and it'll be fun. I haven't seen some of this stuff in ten years. It'll be good."

"Alright," Helen sighed again, "If you say so. I'll ship a box up to you by the end of the week, okay? How are you, honey? You sound tired."

"It's just been a long day," Clare kicked off her pumps, "But my question is - how are _you_, Mom? Are you okay?"

"Yes," Helen laughed a sad laugh, "Don't worry about me, baby. I am just fine. Glen came by the other evening and got some more of his stuff. He is going to crash at Jake and Katie's on the futon or something until he can find other arrangements."

"Lucky Jake and Katie," Clare couldn't help but laugh, "Katie is going to _love_ that!"

"As long as he's out of my hair," Helen said, "Well, I better go. I've got some pasta on the stove. I'll talk to you later, honey."

"Bye, Mom."

After tossing her cell onto the bed, Clare decided to follow through with her plans of pouring a glass of wine and slipping into a bubble bath. As she let the lavender-infused bubbles wash over her, Clare couldn't help but feel mixed feeling about her mother's package. Maybe her Mom had been right, maybe it would be picking at old scars.

After her bath, Clare called Adam. On the fifth ring, he answered and said around a mouthful of what was probably pizza, "Clare! What's up?"

"Oh, not much," Clare lied, "My mom called."

"How's she holding up?"

"Alright I think. She was calling because she was cleaning some stuff out of the house, and she was wondering if she should send me a box of stuff from high school, ir just donate it to the church."

"And?"

"I told her to send it."

"Got it. So now you want me to come over and be there so you don't have to sort through all that stuff alone, right?"

"You're a mind reader!" Clare could feel the yoke being lifted from her shoulders, "Thank you _so _much, Adam! That means a lot!"

"Hey, it's what I'm here for. Just call me up when you get the box, alright?"

"Will do."

"And Clare?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Adam," Clare lied again, "Just going to fix myself some dinner and snuggle in for the night."

"Well, you call if you need anything."

"Always do."

That Friday, the brown cardboard box was waiting for her in the mailroom of her apartment complex. Anxiously, Clare carried the box upstairs, and called Adam. She didn't dare open it without him there to help her. He didn't waste much time, and within an hour, Adam was sitting on her couch, feet on the coffee table, staring at the box next to his sneakers.

"So, are you going to open it, or am I?" Clare didn't say anything, so he added, "Clare, nothing is going to jump out and attack you if you open it. Sitting here thinking about it is making it worse. Just do it."

Clare nodded, swallowed the lump in her throat, and slid the box cutter across the packaging tape. Packaging peanuts spilled out onto the carpet as soon as she peeled back the flaps on the top of the box. Peering in, she was hit with the weight of hundreds of emotions colliding into all at once.

"What's that?" Adam pointed to something pink on the top.

"Oh my gosh!" Clare snatched it up, "My old iPod! There must be some great songs on here."

"_Great_?" Adam scoffed, "Need I remind you of that period where you were addicted to Matchbox Twenty?"

"Not my best year," Clare laughed, "I wonder if this thing still works."

"Probably. Give it here," Clare handed the iPod to Adam, and after a bit of fiddling with it, the screen lit up, "Well look at that!"

"Put it on shuffle. I want to see what there is on this thing."

"Are you sure?" Adam raised an eyebrow, "Some of the music...I know he gave you a lot of your music taste..."

"Adam, press shuffle please," Clare repeated adamantly. Adam complied.

"Oh my gosh," Clare's face lit up, "Remember my GLEE phase?"

"How could I forget?" Adam groaned.

Clare closed her eyes as Lea Michele's voice flooded the living room of her apartment. She remembered when she downloaded that song. It had been her sophomore year of high school. The episode had aired that night that she had hung out with Eli and he had teased her, and somehow they had wound up less than three inches away from each other - him holding on her to wrists. They looked at each other for a moment, before she blushed, and he let go of her wrists.

It had been one of the first moments she realized the effect that Eli Goldsworthy had on her. That night, she was watching GLEE, and Lea Michele sang that song. She realized it fit perfectly, and downloaded it that very night. She had listened to that song constantly on repeat.

"I downloaded this the first time we really hung out," Clare explained, "And listened to it constantly. It was the first time I really realized that I liked him...a lot."

Adam smiled, "As if you didn't know the second you met him."

"No," Clare blushed, "The first time I met him he ran over my glasses and told me I had beautiful eyes. He drove a hearse for Christ's sakes, Adam! _A freaking hearse_!"

"Yeah. He did."

"I didn't know how I felt about him. He gave me butterflies, but I tried to suppress them. I thought he was just like any other smooth-talking guy out there. I-I didn't know..."

"You okay?" Adam asked again.

Clare nodded, "Yeah. It's just...going through this stuff...hearing these songs again."

"I have an idea," Adam stood up from the couch, "I'm going to seal this box back up. You hold on to that iPod and I want you to listen to it for a few weeks. Then we'll go through the rest of this stuff. I don't want it to be too overwhelming."

"Adam...thank you."

"Don't mention it," Adam shrugged, taping the box back together, "You call me when you're ready to go through the rest, alright. And call me if you just want to talk."

"I will," Clare led him towards the door, "Thanks for everything, Adam."

"Aw, don't mention it."

After she shut the door behind him, Clare sat back down on the couch and listened to the song again. As Lea Michele's voice flooded the living room a second time, she felt as though she was suddenly fifteen again - head over heels and dizzy in crazy teenage infatuation.

**Don't know much about your life.**  
**Don't know much about your world, but**  
**Don't want to be alone tonight,**  
**On this planet they call earth.**

It had been so true. She really hadn't known much about his life, or his world. She didn't know about Julia or about his Bipolar Disorder or Depression or Hording or Anxiety. But at the time, he didn't really know about those things either. And even if she had known, would it have changed how she had felt on that night? Would it have changed anything at all?

Clare had been so desperate to just have someone again in her life. And Eli...Eli was unlike anyone she had ever met before. He scared an excited her at the same time. She wanted to get to know him more.

**You don't know about my past, and**  
**I don't have a future figured out.**  
**And maybe this is going too fast.**  
**And maybe it's not meant to last,**

She had no idea that she would end up as a journalist. Writing had been sort of a challenge for her, but when he was assigned to be her English partner, he wasn't scared to hurt her feelings or critique her writing. She was an A student. No one ever critiqued her work before - in fact, she was the one that everyone else went to for ideas and suggestions. No one ever corrected her work. But Eli was different in that regard.

He pushed her to do better. He pushed her to improve her writing. And eventually, he became her biggest supporter. He had stood by her side as she had fought to make her dreams come true. He had been so proud when her first article had been published...

Clare winced, not wanting to focus on that memory.

Instead, she closed her eyes and continued to listen to the song.

It _had_ gone fast. That lyric seemed like a blade through her heart. It had gone by way too fast. They had been a whirlwind from the very beginning. They had gotten together fast, and almost just as fast as they had gotten together, they had broken up. Clare felt the goosebumps reappear as she thought back to that night and that phone call.

He was driving, and he was manic. Of course, she didn't know what manic was at the time. Oh sure, she had heard that word but applying it to Eli? Eli wasn't manic, he was intense - or at least that's how she had thought of him. He was so intense. He felt things at greater volume than anyone else she had ever met. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and that sometimes got him into trouble.

Like on that night.

That night that he had crashed his hearse...as a means of getting her attention or whatever, Clare still wasn't sure. All she knew was that he had almost died that night because of his feelings towards her. They were toxic together. She needed to end it. She needed to walk away from him. She couldn't take the stress of his intensity any longer, and she dropped his hand as he cried out for her, and turned her back on him.

She never got over that moment, and every night - even when she was dating Jake - she thought about that moment. She knew she could have handled it better, but she needed to get away from Eli for her own safety and sanity as well as his.

At that time though, she didn't know any of those things. All she knew was that Eli had held her wrists, and his eyes had danced. And in that moment, everything was beautiful.

**But what do you say to taking chances,**  
**What do you say to jumping off the edge?**  
**Never knowing if there's solid ground below**  
**Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,**  
**What do you say,**  
**What do you say?**

Would she still have dated him if she had known that he would crash his hearse? Jake had asked her that question once. He asked her if she knew Eli would hurt her so much, would she still date him if she could go back in time and change everything. Her answer had been of course she would still date Eli. She had taken a chance on him, and that chance had paid off. With Eli, she could be herself. She could laugh and dance and she was pretty sure he made her eyes dance too.

Why would she ever take that back?

Clare's hand reached up and lightly touched the onyx and tungsten ring handing from around her neck.

_I still wouldn't take it back. If I could go back and never know you...I would never. Never, Eli. _

**I just want to start again,**  
**And maybe you could show me how to try,**  
**And maybe you could take me in,**  
**Somewhere underneath your skin?**

He was hurt and damaged, that was clear to see. He wore that tattered heart on his sleeve, but he kept it locked up behind a wall of tungsten and diamond and rock. It was impossible to break that wall, but with that smile on that day, and seeing his green eyes dance as he held her, Clare knew she had started to break down that wall.

He was starting to let her in. She had no idea that she had been the first since Julia (other than his parents) to see how truly beautiful his heart was. He wasn't the cold and callous guy he had played himself up to be. Once he had let her in, Clare saw the many different layers of Eli Goldsworthy. There was the cold and callous layer, the sarcastic layer, the happy layer, the playful layer, the teasing layer, the smokin' hot layer, the compassionate layer, the goofy layer, the passionate layer...there were so many different sides of him, and Clare wanted to get to know each and every one.

**What do you say to taking chances,**  
**What do you say to jumping off the edge?**

**Never knowing if there's solid ground below**  
**Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,**  
**What do you say,**  
**What do you say?**

They had taken that chance together. There wasn't always solid ground, and sometimes the bottom dropped out, but it was always worth it. Even after their break up, it had still been worth it.

Of course, they had gotten back together. Eli had warned Clare that it wouldn't all be perfect - there would be bad times and there would be good times. He wanted to make sure she was all in. And she had made a promise to him that she was, and she remained so even after...

Clare shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut so the tears wouldn't fall. She focused on the song some more.

She had known her parents wouldn't approve, but she didn't care. Eli drove a hearse and was a self-proclaimed Atheist - even though she found out later that that wasn't true. However, she knew her parents would _totally_ disapprove of him. And when their fighting worsened, she used Eli as a means to get them to focus on her for once. It had killed him that she of all people had used him, and she forever felt guilty for that.

But at the time when she had first heard this song, all she knew was that rather her parents or her friends liked him or not, she wanted to belong to him. She wanted to see his eyes dance everyday, and hear his laugh, and see his smile. To go a day without that would destroy her - that's all she knew.

_I'm not destroyed now though..._Clare bit her lower lip, and forced herself to just finish the song without thinking about...

**And I had my heart beaten down,**  
**But I always come back for more, yeah.**  
**There's nothing like love to pull you up,**  
**When you're laying down on the floor there.**

**So talk to me, talk to me,**  
**Like lovers do.**  
**Yeah walk with me, walk with me,**  
**Like lovers do,**  
**Like lovers do.**

Lovers. She had remembered the way she had felt when Eli had first touched her, holding her wrists and their lips so close that she could almost taste his Spearmint bubble gum. She had never wanted to kiss someone so badly before, and that frightened her. That night, she had clutched her purity ring and said a prayer for discernment and guidance.

Clare rolled her eyes at herself for that. She had been so naieve, but somehow Eli had remained patient throughout. But oh when she had first downloaded the song, and when she was listening to it over and over and over again, all she could thing about was how she wanted to belong to Eli. She wanted to walk down the halls with him and have everyone know they were together. She wanted to stay up late on the phone with him, and fall asleep talking to him all night.

She wanted to be his girlfriend, and that frightened her. She hadn't quite hit her boy-crazy phase yet, and the fact that she was so mesmorized by Eli Goldsworthy scared her beyond belief.

**What do you say to taking chances,**  
**What do you say to jumping off the edge?**  
**Never knowing if there's solid ground below**  
**Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,**  
**What do you say,**  
**What do you say?**

**Don't know much about your life**  
**And I don't know much about your world**

That day seemed like yesterday to her.

He had teased her. He had loved teasing her. He'd say or do anything to get a reaction from her, and it drove her crazy when he'd do that. He had teased her, and she had laughed and tried to make some sort of counter-argument. The little details were fuzzy now, but Clare remembered his face as she backed him up against the post - his eyes dancing with laughter, something rare for Eli. They had been a dingy green when she had first looked at them, but that afternoon they sparkled like royal emeralds.

He had grabbed her wrists, and Clare had felt herself covered in prickly goosebumps. Sitting on the couch, the goosebumps came back as the lyrics filled the living room. She hugged herself and leaned back against the couch, totally immersed in her memories.

She had been fifteen. Was that really thirteen years ago? It couldn't be...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Some of the events I use aren't true to the show for the story's purpose. Please be patient and don't get all nit-picky. Thank you! You guys are awesome!

Chapter Two  
Song: Beautiful Disaster  
Artist: Kelly Clarkson

Clare slipped into her pajamas and fixed herself a cup of Sleepy Time tea with milk and honey before sleepily crawling into her bed. It was late, and she needed to get some rest. It had been an exhausting week at The Reporter, and she was ready to spend the weekend recovering from it. As she sipped her tea and adjusted the pillows behind her head, Clare noticed it. She had almost forgotten she had placed it on her nightstand. The little pink beat up thing lay, almost mocking her, on the nightstand. Clare remembered she had told herself she'd listen to one more – just one more – song before she went to bed.

She clicked, and the iPod awakened. She then clicked the shuffle button, waiting to hear what song she would be presented with. The beat of the song taking her back to a time when she was much younger, much more naïve. Things were different now. She was different now.

Clare had first downloaded the song when she had been a freshman in high school. She hadn't heard it in forever until one day, shortly after the car crash, it had come up on one of her playlists.

**H****e drowns in his dreams****  
****An exquisite extreme I know****  
****He's as damned as he seems****  
****And more heaven than a heart could hold**

When it had popped up on the playlist, she had been walking down the hallway of Degrassi High School. She hadn't seen him at first. She had, but it hadn't registered in her head that it was him. He was donning his red polo and khaki pants, just like all the other juniors, but something was different. He had a cane in one hand, and was walking with a prominent limp. Clare's heart immediately broke when she saw him. He looked so damaged…he looked totally, completely, and utterly damaged. Not that he wasn't damaged before, but now he wore new wear and tear. It was then Clare realized how much this song just fit for him.

Eli was the most intense person she had ever known. He had so much passion and fire behind his eyes, and Clare knew that that passion was both beautiful and dangerous. He seemed to just feel things deeper than anyone she had ever known before. Pain and pleasure were intensified, and she supposed it was just one of the risks of having your heart sewn so vulnerably to your sleeve. He saw beauty and pain in almost everything. It was like the beauty resided in pain, and vice versa for him.

He once told Clare that sometimes things he found beautiful would break his heart. She didn't know how that could be, but now she understood. She noticed as he hobbled down the hallway that his piercing green eyes hadn't lost their spark – in fact, they were more on fire than she had ever seen them before. They were beautiful. They weren't dancing like they used to, but were glaring icicles as he walked past her. Clare felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand erect. Eli still had that effect on her, even after everything. She realized then how beauty can break your heart. Eli's cold, callous eyes were so stunningly beautiful, and they broke her heart.

**And if I try to save him****  
****My whole world could cave in****  
****It just ain't right****  
****It just ain't right**

She just couldn't do it anymore. Eli's intensity (which she later found out was on part because of his bipolar disorder) was too much for her to take. She just couldn't do it anymore. She knew he was broken, and she had tried to mend him back together – sewing him back together with the strings she had cut from her own heart. But in doing so, her heart began to unravel and tatter. She grew weaker in trying, and eventually it had become too much for her.

She had to escape him. She had hated thinking of it in that way; but she knew they were too toxic together. He was toxic to her. He scared the crap out of her, terrified, and fascinated her. She was too much of an addiction to him. She realized this when he crashed the hearse. She realized he was too dependent on her. She had become his whole world, and without her, he had tried to kill himself.

She needed to quit – for both their sanities. So she did. He had reached out to her in that hospital bed, and she had neglected his hand and had run out, scared and angry. She knew she needed to do it. Eli needed to learn to find himself and his own strength, not just investing his whole soul into her. She couldn't do that. She couldn't be that commitment.

So she left.

**Oh and I don't know****  
****I don't know what he's after****  
****But he's so beautiful****  
****Such a beautiful disaster****  
****And if I could hold on****  
****Through the tears and the laughter****  
****Would it be beautiful****  
****Or just a beautiful disaster**

That day after school, she was heading out the doors when she saw Adam and Eli talking on the steps. She noticed that the cane had a skull on the top, just like Robert Mapplethorpe. Clare couldn't help but see the similarities. Mapplethorpe saw pain in beauty and beauty in pain. Clare shyly had blushed as she recalled some of the photographs Mapplethorpe had taken that they had studied in her art classes.

Her blush was like a magnet for Eli, and instantly he had pushed himself up off the banister of the concrete steps. Adam opened his mouth as if to stop him, and Clare tucked a curl behind her ear, hoping maybe he would just walk past her. Maybe she had become invisible to him. She wished he hadn't seen her, or seen her blush. She was exhausted from the day, and didn't want to deal with his intensity wearing her down even more.

"Edwards," his voice was curt, and his head bowed ever-so-slightly downwards.

"Eli," Clare adopted his tone and the bow, "You have to use a cane?"

Eli shrugged, rubbing the skull with his hand as if it were a crystal ball and he was trying to foretell the future.

"Um…I'm glad you're up and moving about. That's good," Clare had no idea what to say, and realized her voice was suddenly too chipper for any conversation they could ever share together from that point, "Um…I better be going…"

"Look at me," Eli grabbed her forearm a bit too tightly, spinning her around as she turned to leave. Adam had jumped to his feet and was by Eli's side within the blink of an eye.

"Eli…" Adam gestured with a nod that they should go.

"No, I need to ask her this," Eli turned back to Clare and stared at her with ice in his veins and frost in his eyes, "Do you think you broke my heart?" Eli asked, his voice slicker than iced cement.

"Eli…" Clare's brow furrowed in puzzlement, "What kind of…"

"_Answer…the god…damned…question…Edwards_," Eli spat out each word as if they were acid in his mouth. His tone frightened her, but the look in his eyes frightened her even more.

"Eli…I…I don't know how to answer that. I never…I would never want to break your heart, but…the way you looked at me in the hospital that night…I'm afraid I did."

"You're afraid you did?" Eli parroted back calmly, then half laughed, half shouted, "_You're afraid you did_?"

"_Eli_…" Adam shot Clare an apologetic look and tugged at his friend's black jacket, "_Come on_."

"No," Eli shook Adam off of him, "You are afraid you broke my heart?" Eli chuckled, but there wasn't something right behind that chuckle, "Well, Miss Edwards, I am afraid you didn't. You see," a sickening grin spread across his face, "you can only break someone's heart when said someone _gives_ you that heart. People…people they give other people their hearts. And they…they trust them not to break them. They give them to them…and they just trust that the other person will…take care of it for them. But _you_? Edwards, you couldn't have broken my heart because…well…because I never gave it to you to begin with."

His words were like a slap in the face, and Clare reeled backwards as if they had been, "Eli…"

"That's not cool, Eli," Adam hissed at his friend, "Not cool _at all_. You don't mean that…"

"Don't tell me what I fucking mean and what I fucking don't mean," Eli turned on Adam and for a moment, Clare thought he would punch him. Adam stood his ground though, and didn't flinch a muscle as Eli clenched a fist at his side.

"Chill. _Now_," Adam commanded, "Before you do something that's going to get your ass in a whole hell of a lot more trouble than it already is. _Go_!"

"I don't have to _go_ anywhere, Adam."

"_Go_!" Adam ordered, pointing towards the steps where they had been sitting not a few minutes before. After Eli had retreated, like a puppy with its tail between its legs, but still barring its teeth, Adam turned to Clare, "He doesn't know what he's saying…"

"It's fine," Clare nodded too quickly, staring down at the ground too intently, and pushing a strand of hair behind her ear too gruffly, "I hurt him and he's angry. He has every right to want to hurt me back."

"Did it work?" Adam ducked his head so his eyes could meet hers.

"Sort of," Clare blushed furiously, still staring at the pavement beneath her, "I'll be fine though. It's him I am worried about."

"Me too," Adam nodded, "I'm going to wait with him until Bullfrog comes and picks him up. Don't worry, I'll try to keep my eye on him."

"Thanks, Adam."

"Clare?"

"Yeah?"

Adam lowered his voice and ducked his head as he whispered in her ear, "He would kill me for this, but Bullfrog and Cece have found him a psychiatrist. His first appointment is this evening."

Clare was taken back, "Well…I hope he or she can give everyone some answers."

"Me too," Adam moved back a step, "If you need me, call me alright?"

"Always do," Clare smiled up at the boy who had quickly become her best friend. They said their goodbyes, and she walked the rest of the way home, alone with her thoughts – and that song.

Clare wondered if maybe she had made some sort of grave mistake. She did love Eli very much. She loved him so much that it scared her. She had never loved someone so deeply before, and that amount of love frightened her. She didn't know her broken little heart could contain so much love – especially for a single person.

Maybe she had made a mistake in ending it. Clearly, they were both broken and their wounds still smarting, open, and oozing. What had she done? She had tried to protect them both, and in the end, they both ended up hurting and broken. Eli could be a jerk sometimes, but he could also bring so much light and joy into her world. Only he could make her eyes dance, and it seemed to her, she had been the last person since Julia to make his eyes dance as well. But he scared her so much – happy one minute, angry and brooding and aching the next.

It was too much for her. Clare thought back to what he had just said while on the steps of Degrassi. He had said the words he knew would cut through her flesh and into her beating heart the deepest and sharpest. He knew exactly what to say to hurt her, and he had done just that. Congratulations, Eli. Clare felt bile in the back of her throat and gulped it down on top of the lump that formed.

**He's magic and myth****  
****As strong as what I believe****  
****A tragedy with****  
****More damage than a soul should see****  
****And do I try to change him****  
****So hard not to blame him****  
****Hold on tight****  
****Hold on tight**

Eli was definitely a tragedy in and of himself. He was aching so much, and seemed to carry the weight of the whole world on his shoulders. He had gone through so much, and his pain was unbearable for Clare to witness. He had already been put through so much with the loss of Julia and the diagnosis (Adam had later shared with her that Eli had been professionally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety, and Depression). It wasn't fair that he had been put through so much more on top of that.

Clare thought back to a better time – a time when they had gotten back together the next year. She was now a junior, and he a senior. They had gotten back together at Adam and Drew (Adam claimed the uniform burning, Drew claimed the drinking) party. Afterwards, things were on fire. It was as if they felt like they had to make up for lost time, and each kiss, each touch, each 'I love you' seemed to mean so much more.

He was taking his medications, and his intensity was under control. Their romance had been hot, but he didn't once throw his whole soul into her like he had previously. And because of that, it seemed as if he loved her more this second time around.

Clare learned to forgive him for the hurtful things he had said after their break up. He knew he had been aching and confused and sick. She had even talked to Bullfrog about it once when she had arrived early for a date. He had told her that during that time, Eli had become a very ill person, and he had a seriously disorder that he couldn't control. The chemicals in his brain were so jumbled and he had been a walking Coke and Mentos waiting to explode.

Only a metaphor Bullfrog could create.

**I'm longing for love and the logical****  
****But he's only happy hysterical****  
****I'm waiting for some kind of miracle****  
****Waited so long****  
****So long**

Everything had been so perfect after that. He had gotten help, and the chemicals were under control thanks to the meds whipping them back into shape. Eli could feel happiness without pain, see beauty without pain, and love without pain. To Clare, it was as if all her prayers had been answered. Eli was "normal" – well, as normal as Eli could possibly be; and Clare was grateful for that. Besides, she didn't want him to be too normal.

Now that he was under control and genuinely happy, they could genuinely be happy together – and they were. To Clare, it was as if a miracle had taken place. **He's soft to the touch****  
****But frayed at the ends he breaks****  
****He's never enough****  
****And still he's more than I can take**

Clare sat down the cup of tea, feeling her eyes growing heavy. She felt the sleepiness and the song transport her back to another time. Things had been so different back then. She had been so happy, so carefree with Eli at her side. She realized then that she had taken for granted the thing they had fought so hard not to take for granted.

She had been so happy with Eli, that she had just automatically expected that happiness to last forever. You know better than that, Clare winced, turning off the iPod before another song had the chance to shatter her heart and her world.

She rolled over, turned out the light, closed her eyes, and went to sleep.

"_Clare…Clare, don't look at me like that. Clare…we can do this alright."_

"_No…no Eli. There must be some sort of mistake. They screwed up. This _isn't_ right…"_

"_Clare, there's no mistake. This is…this is real. But we can do this together. Promise me you're still all in, Clare. Don't back out on me now. I know you're scared, but Blue Eyes, I'm fucking terrified too. We _can_ do this."_

"_Eli…I don't know…I just…we…"_

"_Don't you look at me like that," he put his hands on her shoulders and gave her a firm shake, "Clare, it's me. Stop looking at me like that. Stop…doubting. We can do this. I'll be fine. I'm strong. I'm healthy!"_

"Were_ healthy."_

"_Don't say that," Eli released her, dropping his hands to the side, "Please…"_

"_Eli…"_

"_I love you, Clare. Look at my ring I put on your finger the day I graduated from high school. It was too big then, so we had it sized for you. Remember? Remember when I put it on your finger and said I couldn't bear to not have you in my life?"_

"_Eli…"_

"_We're going to be together forever, Edwards. Alright? Or should I say…Mrs. Goldsworthy. That'll be soon, huh? How many more months?"_

"_Eli…"_

"_How many more months?" Eli asked adamantly._

"_Six."_

"_Six more months and then you become my wife. If…that is…you're still in."_

_Clare's heart swelled, and she didn't know what had come over her. She jumped up and grabbed Eli into a hug and passionately kissed him. After they released each other she said, "Of course I'm all in, you dummy!"_

Clare awoke with a jolt. Her heart was beating and she felt sweat on her forehead. She touched her lips, as if the dream had been real. It had felt so damn real – too damn real. She picked up the phone from the nightstand. She knew it was late, but she felt so alone – so terrifyingly alone.

"Hello?" A groggy voice sleepily played on the other end.

"I had the dream again," Clare said in between pants for breath, "Adam, I had the dream again…you know the one…the one when he first told me…"

"_God_, Clare," Adam was awake now, and his voice seemed to take on the pain and urgency in her own, "Do you want me to come over? If you need me to, I can be there in an hour with whatever you want. Just say the word."

"I know," Clare smiled, accustomed to the tradition they had formed, "But I have to learn how to get through this on my own. I can't just…I can't have you come over each time I have this dream. I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"I have to be," Clare laughed a sad laugh, "How are you?"

"Holding up. Clare…I know it's been ten years, but I just want you to know that it's perfectly normal to still be harboring these emotions. Eli was a big part of your life, Bear," he used the shortened form of her nickname, Clare-Bear, and Clare felt her heart swell, "I understand you're still grieving."

"I just wish I could…"

"No you don't. Trust me."

"How'd you know what I was going to…"

"I know you, Clare. You were going to say you wished you could forget. Don't _ever_ think that. Alright? _Ever_. It's good to move on. It's healthy to move on, but to forget? You don't want to forget."

"Thanks, Adam," Clare smiled into the phone, "I'm going to try to get some sleep."

"You do that, and let me get some sleep as well. Crazy person, callin' me at freakin' two in the morning!" He was laughing as he said it, and Clare couldn't help but smile into the phone.

"You're amazing, you know that, right?"

"_Just_ amazing?"

"Don't push it, Torres," Clare rolled her eyes, "Good night."

"Night, Bear."

Clare sat the phone back on the nightstand. She needed to do this herself. She couldn't have Adam over every time she woke from one of her dreams. She needed to learn how to 'self-soothe.' Clare rolled her eyes, _what am I? Some sort of specialist?_ She sighed and turned off the light a second time, rolled over, and tried to go back to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Like I've stated before, the story doesn't follow along exactly with the timeline and incidents that took place in the show. But can we look past that? Also, thank you guys so much for all the great reviews! You all have no idea how much that genuinely means to me. Also, please read the Author's Note at the end. **

* * *

Chapter Three  
Song: Twist in My Story  
Artist: Secondhand Serenade

The next morning, Clare decided to listen to another song during her morning bath. She added some rose petal bath salts to her tub before filling it with hot water. The salts bubbled and fizzled before dissolving away. When the tub was filled, Clare slipped inside. The water was comforting. After a few minutes, she worked up the courage to grab the iPod off the ledge of the tub and press "Shuffle" again. With shaking hands, she did so.

**Slow down, the world isn't watching us break down  
It's safe to say we are alone now, we're alone now  
Not a whisper, the only noise is the receiver  
I'm counting the seconds until you break the silence  
So please just break the silence**

Clare was instantly taken back to their break up. It seemed as if it were just yesterday. After he had gotten out of the hospital, and after that moment at school when he had said those awful things to her, Clare had tried to get him out of her head, she really did. She knew it wasn't healthy to dwell on him anymore. It was over. They had ruined them.

He had called her about a week after saying those things to her at school. She had thought it was to apologize. The only way she knew it was Eli that had called was because of the caller ID on her phone. When she answered it, no one answered. There was just silence on the other end of the phone. Her head swam with thoughts and her heart pounded at her chest as if seeking some sort of escape. Still no words were spoken.

Clare was desperate for him to say something – anything. She didn't care if he said hateful things to her again, just as long as he said something. The silence was maddening.

**The whispers turn to shouting**  
**The shouting turns to tears**  
**Your tears turn into laughter**  
**And it takes away our fears**

"Clare?"

His voice had been so soft that she had thought she had imagined it. She was scared to respond incase it had just been a figment of her imagination.

"Eli?" Her voice cracked and she was mortified. He knew that she was crying.

"H-how are you?"

"Fine," Clare lied, "Why are you calling?"

"I'm calling to make sure you're okay, Clare. What I said the other week at school was out of line. I shouldn't have…I shouldn't have said those things to you. It was wrong."

"Well then why didn't you say it, Eli? Why would you say something like that?" Clare's voice was rising and bubbling with the anger that had been boiling inside of her.

"Clare…"

"You knew what to say to me to hurt me, and you said it."

"Clare…" It was Eli's turn for his voice to crack and break, "I-I was angry and I wasn't thinking…"

"Obviously," Clare whipped away a tear, "Eli…you hurt me."

"Yeah, well so did you," she heard a sniffle on the other end of the phone, "Clare, I almost killed myself because of you."

"I didn't ask you to do that. You were the…the moron who smashed his car into a pole," Clare didn't know why, but she was smiling through the tears. Maybe it had to do with the fact that she had just called him a moron. For days she had been rehearsing all the bad things she could call Eli, and now that the time had come, the best she had was moron.

"M-moron?" She thought she heard him try to muffle a chuckle, "That's the best Saint Clare's got?"

"Oh, you know I hate it when you call me that."

"Saint Clare," Clare could swear she heard him smiling through the tears she knew he was crying.

"Shut up."

"Saint Clare."

"Eli!"

"Clare!"

"You're…you're impossible," Clare wiped away another tear.

"Clare I…" he stopped himself, and Clare had to urge him to continue.

"What is it?"

"I-I just want to say I am sorry for everything. I am sorry for what happened between us."

"Me too," Clare nodded, suddenly growing solem.

"Do you think…we could ever…I don't know…maybe one day…"

"Maybe one day."

"Okay. I'll take that. Well…have a good night."

"You…you too."

And with that, they hung up. Clare didn't hang up right away. Instead, she cleaved to the phone, hoping maybe he changed his mind and wanted to talk more, but there was just silence on the other end.

So you see, this world doesn't matter to me  
I'll give up all I have just to breathe  
The same air as you till the day that I die  
I can't take my eyes off of you

Clare sank down into the bath. "I'll give up all I have just to breathe the same air as you till the day that I die; I can't take my eyes off of you."

She winced at that lyric. The words like a thousand small daggers stabbing angrily into her heart. Tears stung at her eyes and she tried not to focus too hard on that line, or how she would never be able to breathe the same air as Eli ever again, or lay her eyes on him.

It was a painful realization that slammed into her just as that song played. She had taken him for granted. She had always assumed they would be together forever, have some kids, have some grandkids, travel the world…none of that would happen now.

Her hand went to the onyx ring that hung from a chain in between her breasts. She turned it over in her palm. It had been her engagement ring. But he had been taken from her before they could even say their vows.

_Till death do us part…_

**I'm longing, for words to describe how I'm feeling**  
**I'm feeling inspired**  
**My world just flip turned upside down, and turned around**  
**Say what's that sound**  
**It's my heart beat, it's getting much louder**  
**My heart beat, is stronger than ever**  
**I'm feeling so alive, I'm feeling so alive**

When she had first met Eli, when they had first hung out and laughed together, she felt so alive. She felt like he was urging her out of the shell she had been too comfortable in for the past years. When she was around him, she could be free. She could laugh as loud as she wished, she could think what she wanted, she could say what she pleased, and he'd never judge her.

It was as if she had been awakened.

She remembered him leaning back on the hearse in the woods as she danced around. A small smirk played at his lips and Clare remembered how she felt so alive at that moment. But now he was gone. And she wasn't alive anymore.

That feeling had left, and she doubted it would ever return again. Did she even want it to now that he was gone? Did she even want it to return?

**The whispers turn to shouting**  
**The shouting turns to tears**  
**Your tears turn into laughter**  
**And it takes away our fears**

**So you see, this world doesn't matter to me**  
**I'll give up all I have just to breathe**  
**The same air as you till the day that I die**  
**I can't take my eyes off of you**

**I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story**  
**It's time I open up, and let your love right through me**  
**I'm finally waking up, a twist in my story**  
**It's time I open up, and let your love right through me**  
**Cause that's what you get**  
**When you see your life through someone else's eyes**  
**That's what you get, that's what you get**

Clare closed her eyes and was taken back to when she had come home to the vacant apartment she and Eli had once shared. All of his things were gone, and there was a note left on the table. She remembered crying, tears pouring fourth like rivers as she read the crude note. She remembered everything - the tears, the feeling as her heart plummeted to her stomach, the dizziness, the anger...

_Clare,_

_Remember how I once told you that we could face this together? That we were all in? I went down for my chemo treatment today as planned…but when I was there, I saw these spouses there and they looked so worn…so defeated. They looked worse-off than the cancer patients. I can't…I can't do that to you, Clare. I can't. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if you ever looked so lost, so hopeless as those wives I saw today. I just couldn't._

_I am leaving, Clare. I am moving back home. I can't…I just can't. I love you too much to put you through this. You didn't ask for a fiancé with cancer. You never asked for the pain and hurt and loss I may cause you. _

_Don't worry about me, Clare. I am not worth it. I have done horrible things in my life. I don't deserve someone so beautiful, so wonderful, standing by my side throughout all of this. You don't deserve to be so broken and worn because of this illness. I will go home Clare. I will go home and be out of your life. Maybe…maybe one day you'll be able to forget me. Maybe one day you'll find a husband that can be a husband to you…that can have children with you. Maybe one day you'll be happy and you'll look back on this and thank me for freeing you from me._

_I love you. Always. Don't ever doubt this. _

Clare had cried and cried and cried. She had called Adam who had called Eli and yelled at him, cursing at him for doing this to her. She remembered hearing Eli's shouting on the other end of the phone, making her heart hurt even worse.

"_He said he wants you to be free. He doesn't want this cancer to ruin your life too."_

"_But I don't care," Clare shouted between the tears, "I don't care! I want to be with him. I don't care if he can't have kids. I don't care if it'll be exhausting for me. I don't care if I have to care for him around the clock and help him dress and go to the bathroom and bathe. I don't care how bad it gets as long as he is with me, and I am with him! Does he not understand that?"_

_Adam sighed and said into the phone, "Dude, this is really messed up."_

"_Tell him…tell him this isn't fair. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to be with him! Adam, tell him!"_

"_He can hear you, Bear. He can hear you. Eli man, this isn't…you don't know what this is doing to her. How can you do this to her? I don't care how fucking scared you are, you don't run away from her. She loves you! How can you fucking do this to her? How can you fucking break her like this!"_

_There was silence, and Clare craned to hear what Eli was saying. Adam said nothing and pushed a button on the phone before dropping it on the couch next to her._

"_I am so sorry, Clare Bear. I am so, so sorry."_

"_When is he coming home?" Clare asked, a ray of hope shining through her tears, "He…he is just doing this to get some stress out. He just needs to take a pill, do for a drive, clear his head, and come home. When will he be home? I'll…I'll make him his favorite dinner…"_

"_Clare…" Adam placed a hand on her back, "Clare…he's not coming home."_

**So you see, this world doesn't matter to me  
I'll give up all I have just to breathe  
The same air as you till the day that I die  
I can't take my eyes off of you  
So you see, this world doesn't matter to me  
I'll give up all I have just to breathe  
The same air as you till the day that I die  
I can't take my eyes off of you**

It had been years. It had been years since she had last seen him. Eventually, he and Adam kept in touch again. Adam still thought he was…well, all sorts of words Clare didn't want to repeat. Sometimes he'd tell her how he was, when she was in the mood and he knew she wouldn't start crying. Apparently he was living in Toronto. His last tests had come back cancer free. She had asked Adam why he still didn't return – why he hadn't returned even once the cancer had left.

Adam had said he was scared and couldn't face himself after having walked out on her. Clare thought that was just about the stupidest thing she had ever heard of in her life. She needed him, didn't he know that? She needed him and he had walked out on her – on everything that had had.

_What happened to all in, Eli?_

It had been years. She still wore the ring around her neck. She still thought of him always. Despite the pain he had caused her, the torture he had put her through, she still loved him. She couldn't stop thinking of him. She couldn't just tell her heart to stop loving him. It didn't work like that, didn't he know? Didn't he know anything?

Clare stepped out of the tub, dried off, and turned off the iPod. She couldn't do this anymore. Maybe tomorrow she would listen to another song, but not right now.

Maybe it would have been better if the cancer had just taken him. Clare couldn't believe she was saying that, but maybe it would be less painful knowing the cancer had taken him, instead of knowing he had taken himself.

* * *

**Author's Note: Eli _was_ going to die. I had originally written this to where Eli was dead, but I couldn't bring myself to do that to you guys. I just couldn't. I am sorry if this chapter doesn't seem to fit. I know it doesn't seem to fit, but I just couldn't have him be dead. I just couldn't.**

**So instead, Eli got cancer (testicular cancer to be specific, he couldn't have children) and he left Clare because he was scared of what his cancer would do to her and the toll it would take on her. He walked out, and she hasn't seen him since. **

**I just couldn't kill him off like this. So there is still a chance they might reconcile. Might. Who knows. Stories, especially mine, tend to take on a life of their own…obviously – because I was clearly not expecting this. He was supposed to be dead, but nope. He's alive and well. Well, as well as a tortured Eli can possibly be. Sorry for the sudden shift! I know it's weird, and I didn't know this story was going to go that way until I was halfway done with this chapter. Silly story, messing with my emotions like this!  
**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four  
Song: Curse of Curves  
Artist: Cute is What we Aim For

Clare was trying to enjoy her Sunday evening – the last night she would have before returning to yet another stressful work week – when there was a knock on the door. She paused _Some Like it Hot_, put down her glass of wine, pulled her robe tightly around her waist, and peeked through the peep-hole. She was surprised to see Adam standing there. He was practically jumping around and looked like he would have a heart attack if she didn't open the door quick enough.

"Adam?" Clare swung the door open a crack, and he burst through nearly causing her to stumble backwards, "Adam, what in the…what's going on?"

"I've got news," Adam dug a piece of folded up paper from his pocket and presented it to her, "Read it!"

"What is this?" Clare asked, slowly unfolding the paper.

"Read it, woman!"

Clare rolled her eyes and continued to unfold the paper. She noticed something she thought was a mustard stain, and shook her head, "You're such a mess."

"Just read it!"

"Alright, alright."

Clare blinked the sleep from her eyes a few times before she scanned the piece of paper, "Adam, it's me. You won't believe what happened! I did it bud, I actually did it. A publisher wants to meet with me to talk about getting _Inferno_ published! Can you believe it? I still can't! Anyways, the publisher is in New York, so I'll be flying out in about a week. I was wondering if I could crash at your place? I'll just be there for a meeting or two – it shouldn't be more than a couple of days. Let me know if I can. How is she? Anyways, hope you're staying out of trouble – at least until I can get out there and we can raise some hell together. Round of drinks on me? Let me know soon. Eli."

"Well?" Adam was still practically jumping up and down, "_Well_?"

"Well what?" Clare slowly folded the paper back together and handed it back to him.

"Well..._what do you think_?"

"I think that it's good he's doing what he loves and that he sounds happy. I hope you two have a lot of fun catching up while he's here."

"Clare…"

"Adam, just because he's coming back for a few days doesn't mean anything. I haven't seen him since he walked out – and even then, I didn't _see_ that. Remember – just a note. I can't…old feelings aren't just going to resurface, Adam. He broke what we had. It's irreparable, the damage that he did."

"Clare, come on," Adam looked as though his heart my break at her words.

"You didn't _actually_ think we'd have a chance at getting back together, did you? Aw, Adam! I'm sorry for getting your hopes up, but it's just not going to happen. We're through. We walked out on us. He told me we'd get through this together, but then he walked out. He broke our promise."

"You know he was scared, Clare. He was really freaked and he bolted. I've told you it's always eaten him up. He asks about you like he did there."

"And do you tell him?"

"No," Adam shook his head, "Because it's your business. It's not my place to gossip with him about you, and you know that Clare. I only told him 'don't worry.' I never went into details. But I know he's pretty shaken up about this whole thing. He misses you quite a bit. I think he knows it was a mistake to leave, but he's too scared to face you to apologize."

"Well, he should be scared."

"Clare…"

"You want me to pour you some wine?"

"Whatever," Adam rolled his eyes, knowing it was useless to try, "What are you watching?"

"_Some Like it Hot_."

"Oh, I love Marilyn."

"You can have Marilyn. I'll take Tony Curtis, thank you very much," Clare disappeared into the kitchen and poured Adam a glass of wine. When she went back out into the living room, she saw him holding the iPod she had put on the coffee table.

"Have you listened to it anymore?" He asked her.

"No."

"Want to?"

"Not really."

"Come on," Adam was persistent, "One song before the movie."

"Fine," Clare rolled her eyes and Adam turned the iPod on and pressed shuffle. The second the music played, Clare burst out laughing. Adam grinned at her reaction.

"See, not so bad is it?"

"I can't believe it. I almost forgot about this song!"

**I've got the gift of one liners  
And you've got the curse of curves  
And with this gift I compose words  
And the question that comes forward  
Are you perspiring from the irony  
Or sweating to these lyrics  
And this just in  
You're a dead fit  
But my wit won't allow it  
The inside lingo had me at hello  
And we go where the money goes  
The inside lingo had me at hello  
And we go where the money goes**

"I remember when you were _so_ into this band," Adam rolled his eyes, "You had the biggest crush on the lead singer."

"Oh God," Clare winced, still laughing, "Remember when you and Eli walked into my room…"

"While you were singing into your hairbrush in your underwear to this song?"

"Hey, I had a t-shirt on. I just didn't have pants on," Clare blushed, but was still smiling, "I wanted to _murder_ you two for not knocking."

"It was hilarious. You were like in total jam mode. Like dancing all over your room, singing into your hair brush at the top of your lungs…it was very…special."

Clare shook her head, "I can't believe it. You knew I liked Eli, so why then, did you two come up without knocking on the door? I could be doing something, oh I don't know…_embarrassing_!"

"That's _exactly_ why," Adam grinned, "The look on your face when you saw us standing there…you looked absolutely horrified. And what was the sound you made?"

"No, Adam…" Clare whined, "Not the sound."

"Eli described it as sounding like a cat screeching."

"Yes," Clare nodded solemnly, "I believe that was the comparison."

**I want someone provocative and talkative  
But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower  
And from what I've heard with skin you'll win**

**Her bone structure screams  
"Touch her! Touch her!"  
And she's got the curse of curves  
So with the combination of my gift with one liners  
And my way  
My way with words  
It seems I'm too hip to keep tight lipped  
And you're on the gossip team  
You're making something out of nothing  
And jealousy's the cousin, the cousin of greed  
The inside lingo had me at hello  
And we go where the money goes  
The inside lingo had me at hello  
And we go where the money goes**

"_I want someone provocative and talkative, but it's so hard when you're shallower than a showerrrr…" cue cat screeching sound, "Adam! Eli! What are you…get out!"_

"_Dancing around in your underwear, singing into a hairbrush. __Interesting choice of activity, Edwards," Eli raised an eyebrow._

"_Adam! Both of you – get out!"_

"_Aw, and miss all the fun?" Eli pouted._

_Adam rolled his eyes, "Clare, you're such a party-pooper."_

"_Are those penguins on your underwear?" Again with a quirk of his eyebrow._

"_Eli! Don't even think about looking at my underwear!"_

"_Too late."_

"_God! You two are revolting! Can you just…get out," Clare was now tugging at the hem of her shirt, trying to cover herself as she partially sought refuge behind her bed, "Why are you still in here?"_

"_Because this is just too perfect," Adam grinned, "I can't believe we walked in on you like that. Perfect timing, huh Eli?"_

_Eli nodded, and Clare grabbed a pillow off her bed and tossed it at them. Of course, with her luck, it missed and landed a few feet away._

"_Uh…what _exactly_ were you aiming for there, Edwards?" _

_Clare let out a sound that resembled a bear growl._

"_Really? Are you going to cross your arms and stamp your foot now too?"_

"_Eli! Adam, _get him out of here_!"_

"_Aw, but this so much more entertaining."_

"_Why are you even here?"_

"_We wanted to know if you wanted to catch a movie with us," Adam shrugged innocently, "It wasn't as if we _planned_ on barging on you like this. I sure don't want to see my best friend prancing around in her penguin underwear…"_

"_God," Clare winced._

"_I don't mind," Eli shrugged, a huge grin plastered on his face._

"Out_!" _

"_And there it is, folks – the foot-stamp."_

"_Eli, I _will_ murder you!"_

"_Saint Clare commit murder? I'll believe it when I see it."_

"_That's it!" Clare ran from behind the bed and charged at Eli. He took off out her room and down the stairs. It wasn't until she was in the hallway that she realized she was still just in her underwear and a t-shirt, and scurried back inside her room, still holding her shirt down._

"_Smart one," Adam nodded, feigning a look of being impressed._

"_Shut up!" _

**I want someone provocative and talkative**  
**But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower**  
**And from what I've heard with skin you'll win**

**Her bone structure screams **  
**"Touch her! Touch her!"**  
**And she's got the curse, the curse of**  
**From what I've heard with skin you'll win  
With skin you'll win**

"Good times."

"I still can't believe that?" Clare laughed again, rolling her eyes, "Oh, I wanted to kill the two of you."

"Like I said, we didn't plan it."

"But you didn't get out!" Clare rolled her eyes, "I thought I would surely die of embarrassment. I was so head over heels for that kid, and there I am signing into a hair brush in penguin underwear. Oh I just wanted to die!"

"Oh stop being so dramatic," Adam nudged her, "You lived."

"You two almost didn't."

"I think you should see him."

"Get out."

"Clare," Adam protested, "Just hear me out on this. You two have so much history. Can you just really throw it all away as if it were nothing to you?"

"He seemed to manage just fine."

"We've had so many good times together," Adam shook his head, "I just always pictured us always having good times together. Now that we won't…it just kind of sucks."

"Well, I'm sorry. If he hadn't been such an ass and left me like that…I was going to stand by him through thick and thin, Adam. I didn't care about the cancer or about not being able to have children. I didn't care about how exhausting taking care of him might be. I just wanted him. And he took that away from me."

Adam shook his head and took a sip of the wine, "When he gets in, I'm taking him to John's Pizzeria…"

"Oh don't even. If you think that taking him to my favorite restaurant is going to be some sort of incentive…and don't look at me like that, Adam. It's not happening. End of story. Now shut up and watch the movie."

**We All have teeth that can bite underneath**  
**To where the reality grows**  
**Yeah, that's where mine go**  
**that's where mine go**  
**We all have teeth that can bite underneath**  
**To where the reality grows**  
**Yeah that's where mine go**  
**Where the reality grows:**  
**From what I've heard with skin you'll win**  
**And from what I've heard with skin you'll win**

"Thanks for stopping by and letting me know," Clare said as she walked Adam to the door, "I am sorry, but I just can't. Alright? Please understand where I am coming from on this one, Adam."

"I do," Adam nodded, "He hurt you. I can't ask you to just get over that. Well, thanks for the movie and the wine. It was fun."

"We need to do more movie nights together. I miss those."

"Next time I pick the movie though, and we have beers – not wine."

"I'll get some Pabst while I'm at the store this week. Get back safely, alright?"

"Good night, Clare."

"Good night, Adam," they embraced, and she kissed him on the cheek.

As he was headed out the door he said, "Sweet dreams, penguin panties!"

"Do you _have_ a death wish?" Adam smirked and took off running down the hallway. Clare rolled her eyes and shut the door. After locking it, she headed to the kitchen to wash the dishes.

**I want someone provocative and talkative**  
**But it's so hard when you're shallow as a shower**  
**And from what I've heard with skin you'll win**

**Her bone structure screams (I want someone)**  
**"Touch her! Touch her!"**  
**And she's got the curse, the curse of: (I want someone)**  
**From what I've heard with skin you'll win**  
**With skin you'll win**  
**Skin you'll win**

"_What concessions do you want – my treat?"_

"_Oh…uh…I don't know," Clare blushed, staring at the menu above the concession stand, "Just a small popcorn and a small Coke."_

"_Alright. What should we get for Adam?"_

"_Popcorn, Icee, and Sour Patch Kids."_

"_Good choice," Eli smirked, "So…do you always dance around your room in your underpants like that?"_

_ "Elijah Goldsworthy! You told me you wouldn't bring that up again!"_

_ "Oops."_

_ "You're impossible. It was _mortifying_. How would you feel if Adam and I walked in on you doing something embarrassing?"_

_ "I don't really do anything embarrassing, so I wouldn't mind."_

_ "You…you drive me crazy!" Clare pointed an accusing finger at him._

_ "Aw, don't kid yourself, Edwards – it wasn't like it was a far drive anyways." _

Clare annoyed her lower lip between her teeth as she rinsed the soap from one of the plates. Maybe Adam did have a point. Maybe there was still something there…


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Long chapter – but forgive me. A lot of stuff is going to go down, so pardon the length and I hope you enjoy!**

**Also, I really appreciate all the love that this story is receiving. If you want to find the songs, just search YouTube. I post each title and artist, so it should be pretty easy for you find. I love some of these songs so much, so I am happy that you all are interested in them as well! **

Chapter Five  
Song: Stay the Night  
Artist: Green Day

"What am I doing?" Clare asked, shaking her head as she stared at herself in the full-length mirror. She had rushed home from work that evening to get ready. She had actually put some curl in her hair (something she hadn't done since high school) and had picked out the perfect outfit that hugged her curves – a black pencil skirt, a white blouse, and a black and white fluffy flower pin. She was also wearing heels that she had been told made her legs look 'killer' – whatever _that_ meant.

Clare adjusted a curl and slipped a pearl earring through her piercing. She had no idea what she was doing, or what had prompted her to do so. All she knew that she was standing there vainly before the mirror, making sure every hair was in place. She knew it was ridiculous. She knew she shouldn't even go, but there she was – getting ready.

The phone on the counter buzzed, and Clare picked it up. It was Adam.

"Are you coming?"

"Yeah, just give me a minute – I just got in," Clare lied, "I still can't believe you left your wallet here last night. How did you get through the day without it?"

"I managed."

"I still think you did this on purpose," Clare growled into the phone, "I mean, _really_ Adam. Who just _forgets_ their wallet at someone's apartment while watching _Golden Eye_ only to then call up that said someone and have said someone bring said wallet to that person's apartment where said someone's ex is…"

"Clare, chill. Take a breath for once and just calm down. Maybe I did it on purpose, maybe I didn't. Either way, I wouldn't tell you. Now are you coming? Eli just got in and he's starving."

"Fantastic. So_ I_ have to push _my_ busy schedule around all because _he's_ starving?"

"Clare, it's a Friday night. All you'd be doing otherwise is sitting on the couch drinking wine and watching chick-flicks. I know you."

"Is he with you?"

"Yup."

"And you _just_ said that don't do anything but drink and watch chick-flicks on a Friday night? Do you _have_ a mental handicap?"

"Sorry," Adam said sheepishly, "Look, just hurry up and get here."

"Fine. I just got in, but let me look for the wallet and catch my breath, then I'll be over."

"See you soon."

Clare gulped away the lump in her throat as soon as she had hung up. She knew Adam had done that on purpose. It was a pretty smart idea, and if she wasn't so infuriated with him for doing it, she might actually be impressed.

Clare looked down at the onyx ring hanging around her neck and pulled it over her head. There was no way she would let him know that she still wore it constantly. Before heading out the door, she checked her hair and makeup one more time. When she was finally satisfied with how it looked, she grabbed her purse with Adam's wallet inside, and headed out the door.

The taxi ride seemed to take forever, and Clare felt herself grow nauseous. There was no way she could face him. As the taxi made its way through the New York traffic, she decided that tonight was a total waste. Why had she even done her hair and makeup in the first place? Who was she trying to impress? Certainly not Eli. And now, it was a waste. She would just call Adam and maybe he could meet her outside in the hallway or something. She wouldn't even have to see Eli. Problem solved.

"Wait here," she told the cab driver, "I'll be right out."

"Lady, the meter…"

"Keep it running. I won't be long."

"Whatever."

Clare pulled her phone from her purse and dialed Adam's number. It rung several times as Clare tapped the toe of her heel against the pavement. Why wasn't he answering? _Come on, Adam – pick up your phone_!

Finally, on the seventh ring, a voice said, "Hello?"

That was clearly _not_ Adam. Clare felt her heart race violently against her chest. Why was _he_ answering Adam's phone? Where was Adam? Clare panicked, and for a second she thought about hanging up and calling back a second later. But her name was attached to the call now – he knew it was her. She had to say something.

"Uh…hi."

_Well that was lame._

"Hi."

"Can you tell Adam I am standing outside with his wallet and if he wants it, he's going to have to come down here and get it because I have a date tonight and I can't just stand out here waiting."

"You don't have a date tonight."

"Yes I do. How would you know?"

"What's his name?"

"His name?" Clare's mind started to draw a blank, "Um…Bri…an. Brian. His name is Brian."

"Uh-huh."

"Yes. We work at the paper together and…and why am I telling you this? And where is Adam?"

"He's in the restroom. Hey, Adam, will you be out soon?"

Clare rolled her eyes, praying that this phone call would just end already.

"Doesn't sound like he'll be out soon. He said something about bad oysters at lunch."

"_Gross_," Clare shuddered, but then realized this was probably just another ploy, "Well, I can't wait out here all night…"

"Because of your big date with _Bri…an?_"

"Yes. He's expecting me. We're going to eat at Carmine's."

"Good for you."

"Mmhmm. Well, what should I do about this wallet? I am already running late…"

"I guess bring it up," Eli answered practically.

If Clare had been a cursing person, she would have probably cursed at that moment. Instead, she stomped her foot against the pavement and shot the cab driver a pleading look. He was too busy reading a magazine to notice. She would have to do it. She would have to face him.

"Alright, fine. I'll be up in a second."

"See you soon."

The phone clicked off, and Clare couldn't help herself. She hopped around on the pavement with her hands in fists. She couldn't believe that this was actually happening. It had been years and she hadn't seen him. Now, here he was calling her and she would have to face him._ Technically you called him…but that's beside the point._

Clare mustered up her courage and made her way up the steps to the apartment building. She took the elevator to the fifth floor, and tried to stop her heart from going into convulsions.

When she got to Adam's apartment, she adjusted her curls and straightened her posture before knocking on the door. When it opened, she saw a man with ebony hair and jade eyes standing on the other side. When she had last seen him, he wasn't well. His face was hallowed and pale. Now, his cheeks had evened out, and he had a flushed tone to his skin. He looked _healthy_. Clare felt herself inwardly sigh with relief. It was good to see him healthy again.

"Hi," he smirked a fraction of a smirk, and Clare had to force herself not to smile back.

"I brought the wallet," she dug it out of her purse and handed it to Eli, "So, here you go. I hope you two have fun. Say hi to Adam for me. I'll be going now."

"Right. You got your _big date_."

"No she doesn't," Eli turned and Adam was standing behind him, "What big date?"

"His name is _Bri…an_," Eli mimicked, "And he works at the paper with her."

"You mean the scrawny guy that you told me smells like feet and wheezes?"

If looks could kill, Adam would have been dead and buried that second. noticed Eli was quirking an eyebrow at her and said, "He doesn't smell like…and he only had sinus issues during allergy season."

"I thought you said you just got home," Adam's brow furrowed, "So then why are you all gussied up for your big date with Brian – the guy who smells like feet and wheezes?"

"I told you…never mind," Clare rolled her eyes, "And I don't know what you mean by '_gussied up_,'" Clare giggled and touched her hand to her hair, "You _know_ this is my usual work attire."

"I thought you worked at the paper, not at _Le Scandal_," Eli quirked his eyebrow higher and Clare's eyes narrowed into slits as she glared daggers at him.

"_It's called dressing nicely for my job_."

"It's called no one wears that much eyeliner and red lipstick for their job."

"Okay," Adam chuckled, awkwardly taking the wallet from Clare, "Well, why don't you ditch your feet-smelling date and join us for dinner? We're going to have a badass time."

"I can't ditch Ryan."

"Brian," Eli corrected, the smirk still playing at his lips.

"It's a...uh…nickname."

"_Smooth_," Eli's eyebrows both went up.

"Have fun. Adam, Eli," Clare nodded curtly before heading down the hall towards the elevator.

"Clare!'

Clare turned around to see Adam following behind, and Eli still leaning against the door frame, "Clare, just wait. We all know there is no Brian."

"You couldn't have just gone along with it? Why did you have to make up that smell-like-feet BS? And what happened to your stomach ache? Bad oysters?"

"It…passed. So now we can all go hang out. Come on, Clare. Don't be a party-pooper. And I know as well as you that you didn't spend way too much time on your hair and makeup for nothing. Come on – join us. As friends."

"Friends? Friends don't do what he did to me…"

"Clare!" Adam snapped, and she recoiled. He had never yelled at her like that.

"You…yelled at me."

"Yeah well, you needed it. Eli," Adam called to the doorway, "Come on. We're going to dinner. And _you_," he turned to Clare, "are joining us. Now get that ass of yours – in that skirt that makes it look _way_ bigger than we all know it is – inside that elevator. No objects. _No_!" Adam held up a hand as her jaw fell lax, "No objections."

Eli was smirking still as he slipped into the elevator alongside them, "Well this is going to be fun."

"Oh shut up," Clare stabbed his chest with a red-painted fingernail.

Eli's eyes wandered and he said, "You know, Adam was right about that skirt."

"Revolting. Both of you."

They took Clare's cab to John's and were seated fairly quickly despite it being a Friday night. Clare smiled up at the painting the covered the wall floor-to-ceiling. This was always her favorite restaurant since moving to New York. Maybe she wasn't regretting tagging along too much.

Once they were seated, the waitress asked if they knew what they would like to drink.

"I'll have a glass of your Homemade Sangria," Clare ordered.

"And he and I will share a pitcher of your Amstel Light," Adam ordered. The waitress wrote their orders and disappeared.

"Well, this is fun," Adam rubbed his hands together.

"Don't make it anymore awkward than this is," Clare shot him a look.

"It's only _awkward_ if you say it's awkward," Eli reminded her.

"Eli, how have you been?" Adam asked enthusiastically, as Clare picked at her cuticles.

"Good. I am still healthy as ever, and Monday morning I meet with the publisher about _Inferno_. Still living in Toronto, and teaching high school drama and volunteering at the community theater every now and then. It keeps me busy."

"Cool, cool," Adam nudge Clare, "Clare is working at the paper and doing quite well. She also writes for a few online blogs, and has had some poems published in literary magazines."

"Good for you," Eli nodded, and Clare couldn't detect a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Thank you. I'm glad you're doing well too."

"And I'm doing great," Adam interjected.

"Good," Eli nodded again, "The advertising is working out well for you?"

"Yup. Life is pretty good. Right, Clare?"

"Uh…right."

"Any other guys besides Brian in the picture?" Eli asked, and before Clare could answer –

"Nope," Adam grinned, "No one."

"Adam…" Clare glared daggers at him again.

"What? It's true. She's like a cat lady…without the cats."

"_Adam_!" Clare kicked him, hard.

"Ow! Woman!"

"What is _wrong_ with you?"

"A cat lady without the cats?" Eli raised an eyebrow, "Well that's just…pathetic."

"Oh don't _even_," Clare pointed a threatening finger at him as he chuckled, "Both of you!"

Eli and Adam smirked at each other and their drinks arrived. The waitress took their pizza order – one large John's Traditional and a Linguine Alle Vongole to share. After the waitress left, Adam said –

"It's good to have you come visit, Eli. You need to make more trips."

"Yeah," Eli nodded as he turned to glance at Clare. She didn't say anything, and was suddenly transfixed with the table cloth, "It's good to be back. I love this city."

"You know where we need to go while you're here?"

"Where?"

"The Met!"

Clare's head shot up and she looked at Adam, puzzled.

"The Met's the best. Clare, what was it you always used to say?"

"That the uh…the Met is the best pace in the whole world."

"That was it," a small smile crossed his lips as their eyes locked for just a brief moment, "I'd love to go to the Met. What do you say, Clare? Are you in?"

"Um…"

"Come on, Clare," Adam nudged her, "Don't be antisocial."

"Well, you _did_ say she is a cat lady without the cats."

"I'll be there! I swear, the two of you are going to drive me crazy."

"Aw, don't kid yourself, Edwards – it wasn't like it was a far drive anyways."

Something knotted in Clare's stomach, and she glanced up from her hands and smiled.

* * *

"Thank you," Clare paid the taxi driver her portion of the cost, "It was good to see you again, Eli."

"It was uh…good to see you too."

Clare kissed Adam's cheek and slipped out the taxi door and walked up the steps to her apartment.

"_Well_," Adam glared at Eli.

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to go after her?" Adam raised an eyebrow.

"No, Adam. She doesn't want to talk to me, and it's not my place…"

"You two need to sort this out," Adam was persistent, "This is ridiculous."

"Adam, I left her. I walked out on her. I was scared and a coward. I have no right to ask for her time. We did dinner, and that was fine – awkward, but fine."

"She kept looking at you and I saw how you kept looking at her. Don't think I didn't."

"Adam, that's not the point. The point is, I screwed up. I made a dumb decision and I was young and scared. She doesn't owe me anything, Adam."

"I'm not saying she owes you anything, man. I'm saying you two have a lot of shit to sort."

"That's a lot of shit," the taxi driver nodded.

"No one asked you," Adam rolled his eyes, "Eli, go after her. I don't want you to miss this chance."

"What _chance_, Adam? I ruined it. I don't _deserve_ any chances."

"You're right. You don't. You fucked it up, and Clare shouldn't have to give you the time of day…"

"Ouch."

"Just listen, alright. She shouldn't have to give you the time of day, but despite you not deserving a second chance, your relationship with her does. It was something beautiful, Eli. I was always so jealous of it. I always hoped one day I could have a relationship with someone like that. It was beauty and magic and goodness. "

Eli stared awkwardly down at his sneakers.

"And even though you screwed up, it's that beauty and magic and goodness that deserves a second shot. Go to her. _Talk to her_. Maybe this can be fixed, maybe it can't. But that love you had with Clare, that deserves a shot. That deserves a chance. Don't give up on it without trying."

Eli bothered his lower lip between his teeth before finally saying, "Alright. I'll go to her."

"Good."

"And what should_ I_ do?" The cabbie asked.

"Uh…just take him home," Eli explained, "I'll get my own cab once I'm done at Clare's."

Adam nodded, wished him luck, and Eli hopped out of the cab. He had no idea what he was going to do or say when he got to Clare's door, but he knew Adam was right. He couldn't just give up. There love didn't deserve that.

Clare was changing out of her outfit at the time their conversation in the cab was carrying on. She had decided she'd listen to another song on the iPod, and was surprised when one of her Green Day favorites came on. She began to hum along as she withdrew the earrings from their holes and unzipped the skirt.

**Well I ain't got much time so I'll get to the point****  
Do you wanna share a ride and get the fuck out of this joint?****  
I've got an impulse so impulsive that it burns****  
I wanna break your heart until it makes your stomach churn**

It was a depressing song, but Clare needed to hear it. The lyrics seemed eerily fitting. She sighed and slithered out of her skirt, and pulled on her fleece pajama bottoms with the polka dots on them. They were such a comfort compared to the heels and the skirt. What had she been thinking wearing something so ridiculous?

I got to know if you're the one that got away

**Even though it was never meant to be  
****So stay, stay the night  
****Because we're running out of time  
****So stay the night  
****I don't wanna say goodbye  
****So stay the night  
****Because we're running out of time  
****So stay the night  
****Well I don't wanna say goodbye**

Clare was just pulling on an NYU oversized t-shirt when she heard the knock at the door. For a moment, she thought it might be Adam; but there was a shock of fear that jolted through her. What if it was Eli? Why would he be knocking on the door? What could he possibly need? She paused the iPod and headed out to the living room. She tossed the iPod on the table and peeked through the peep-hole of the door. Sure enough, there he was – leather jacket and all. Clare inwardly cringed, and had to muster every ounce of courage possible to open the door.

"Eli?" She blinked, not really believing still that he was standing there on her doorstep after all those years. And he was alone. "Where is Adam."

"He thought you and I needed to talk."

"Oh."

"Yeah," Eli shoved his hands in his pockets, and suddenly he looked like he was seventeen again. Clare's heart went out to him and she couldn't help it; she opened the door wider and said, "Well then, why don't you come in?"

"You're not going to uh…ambush me or anything? This jacket is very expensive and getting blood out of it would be a royal pain in the ass."

"Don't worry," Clare held her hands up in surrender, "No sharp objects."

Eli nodded and slid past her. He stood awkwardly in the foyer for a moment before Clare cleared her throat and directed him towards the couch in the living area.

"Funny," Eli smirked, "It still looks the same."

"Sort of," Clare pointed above the fire place, "I got rid of you Scarface poster and replaced it with a Marc Chagall."

"_Happiness isn't happiness without a violin-playing goat._"

"You remembered?" Clare's brow furrowed, "That's still one of my favorite movies."

Eli nodded, "Definitely looks better there than Scarface did."

"Yup."

Eli nodded again and sat down on the couch. After a few moments of an awkward silence, he said, "Clare, don't think that I ever think that you need to give me a minute of your time. You don't. I don't deserve the luxury of a minute of your time."

Clare tilted her head, and was surprised by what he said next, "Clare…I don't deserve you to even be speaking to me for what I did, but Adam told me in the cab that what we had…what we had was beauty and magic and goodness and he said we owe it to what we had to talk things over. I am not asking you to talk to me for me, but for what we had."

She nodded, understanding what he said, and replied, "Eli, you left me. You told me once that we would get through your cancer together. But then you walked out on me. I came home to find an empty apartment – with an exception for Scarface – and a note. _A note_. You couldn't even do it in person!"

"I know," he hung his head, ashamed, "I have never forgiven myself, Clare. I just…I was so young when I was diagnosed. I thought I was superman up until that point; and then to find out that I had cancer…it was so much. I thought we could do it, but then I saw the spouses of the guys there for their chemo and it was too much. They looked so old, so worn down, _so eroded_. Their spouses' illness had destroyed them. I didn't want to do that to you…"

"So you destroyed me by leaving?" Clare raised an eyebrow, "Eli…"

"Like I said, I was young and I was scared and it was stupid of me to walk out on you. I just…I didn't want to be a burden to you. I didn't want to…"

"You would _never_ have been a burden…"

"Clare, I tried to protect you. In my crazy logic, I convinced myself that leaving you would protect you from future problems. I didn't want my cancer to drag you down. And then when we found out I couldn't have kids…Clare, you don't deserve to be with someone as broken as me. You need to find happiness with someone else."

"Who? Brian who smells like feet?" Clare shook her head and sighed, saying, "Eli, you can't possibly think that I could just forget you and move on and live my life with someone else…and if you do, then you have a severe mental handicap."

He flushed and hung his head lower, "I know. I just…I got it into my head that maybe life would be easier on you once I was out of the picture."

"I cried constantly for a month. Do you know that? My mom wanted to put me into a hospital or something because she was so worried about me. I stopped eating. I stopped going out with my friends. I felt like my life was vacant without you. You know that poem I like?_ You are the blood in my veins, and the salt in the sea; without you, who knows what would happen to me._"

"Mary Kate Teske."

"Eli…I was lost without you. I felt like my life ended. I am just glad Adam was here to pick up my pieces and put me back together."

"You know, he was so pissed at me for what I did."

"Rightly so."

"He was so mad at me. I really thought our friendship was over. I couldn't lose both of you."

"You didn't lose me. You _left_ me, Elijah."

"Ouch. Full name?"

"Mmhmm."

"I deserve that," Eli nodded, "But when Adam and I started talking more, I explained to him what happened. He still was pissed, but he understood. He's good about that – being both our friends no matter what we have going on between us. I'm glad he was there to take care of you."

"Me too," Clare folded her arms across her chest, "Eli, forgive me, but I still can't believe you're here in this apartment again."

"Me either," a sad smile crossed his face, "I see that cherry cough syrup stain never came out of the carpet."

"I tried," Clare shrugged, "everything. Nothing will get it out."

Eli sighed and leaned back against the couch, "How are you, Clare?"

"You're really asking that?"

"Now that it's just you and me, yes. Tell me: _how are you_."

Clare nibbled her bottom lip between her teeth before she said, "Better. My job – I love my job. It's helped me so much in moving past everything. It's hectic though, and exhausting, but totally worth it. I love working for the paper."

"That's good. I'm proud of you."

"What about you?" Clare blushed, "How are you?"

"Healthy," Eli nodded, "It's a nice change. I've almost forgotten what it was like to feel healthy. I'm taking care of myself too – organic food, cutting out red meat, watching my drinking. I've limited myself to one cigarette a day."

"Well that's something."

"Everyone needs a vice though."

They sat in silence for a bit longer before Eli put his hands on his thighs and said, "Well, I should be going. It's late and I'm jet-lagged."

"Oh, yeah…" Clare stood from the chair she was sitting in and they walked to the door together, "Have Adam call me about the Met, alright. I would like to go."

"I know you," Eli smiled a sad, faraway smile, "You would never pass up the chance to go to your favorite place in the whole, wide world."

Clare blushed, "Nope. Well um…I hope you get some good rest."

"Yeah, Adam's futon should be interesting."

"The futon?" Clare's brow furrowed, "That thing is like sleeping on a box of nails."

"Ouch."

"Yeah. Um…ask him for some extra blankets to put down for more uh…padding."

"I will."

"Well…it was nice to see you again," Clare nodded, staring down a the rug on the floor, "I mean, it's good to know that you're healthy again, and that you're happy."

"I never said I was happy."

"You seem happy."

"Everyone can _seem_ happy, Edwards."

Clare lifted her eyes and peered at him through her lashes, "Good night, Eli."

"Good night, Clare."

He was about out the door when she stopped him, "Eli…wait."

He turned around and stared at her, his brow creased in confusion, "Yeah?"

"The apartment gets rather lonely at night sometimes…"

Eli's head tilted to the side and Clare didn't know what came over her as she said –

"And I was just wondering if…well…you don't _have_ to stay at Adam's you know."

"Where else would I stay, Edwards?" His voice grew soft, and his eyes met hers.

"Here," Clare said before her brain could stop her heart.

"Here?" Eli raised an eyebrow.

"With me."

"Clare…I don't know…"

"Eli…it gets so lonely here at night with no one else around, and well…to be honest…" Clare sighed and said, "I am not quite ready to say goodnight yet."

**I'm just sick and tired of feeling so alone**  
**Well I don't understand the point if you have to go home**  
**Wont you stay and cure the circles 'round my eyes?**  
**Well we can watch the stars until the sun begins to rise**  
**I got to know if you're the one one that got away**  
**Even though it was never meant to be**  
**So stay, stay the night**

**Because we're running out of time****  
So stay the night****  
I don't wanna say goodbye****  
So stay the night****  
Because we're running out of time****  
So stay the night****  
I don't wanna say goodbye**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six  
Song: Postcards and Polaroids  
Artist: Sleeping with Sirens

_What are you doing? This is a _huge_ mistake. What did you even mean by asking him to stay? You most certainly weren't implying what that term _might_ implicate, but it still is still a pretty bold statement. What are you even doing? This is Eli – your _ex_-_fiancé_! Just yesterday you never wanted to see him – hell, just a few hours ago, you didn't want to see him. So what are you doing? What is the matter with you?_

It took Clare a minute to realize that Eli had said something, and her brow knitted together as she cleared her throat, drawing herself away from her thoughts, and said, "Um…excuse me?"

"I said alright. I'll stay."

"You…you will?"

Eli nodded, "I'll stay the night…if that's what you want."

"I just…I think we have a lot to talk about and I'd rather talk about it now than to put it off any longer, Eli. While you're here, I'd rather hash all of this out now."

"Okay," Eli nodded and backed away from the front door, "What do you uh…want to talk about?"

"I-I don't understand, Eli. I mean, I get why you left – because you were scared and you didn't know what to do. I understand that. I do. It was dumb, but I can kind of wrap my head around why you did it. But I just don't quite understand my feelings right now. It's like…I know I should hate you for what I did, but I can't."

Eli sat down on the couch, and Clare sat across from him, tucking her feet underneath her, "I mean, you _really_ hurt me. What you did should be unforgivable, but…"

"But what?" Eli's brow furrowed again, "Clare?"

"I don't know," she shook her head, "I can't describe it. It's just…tonight with Adam…it almost felt like…like old times again. It shouldn't feel like that. There should be tension and anger and I should have wanted to reach across the table and stab you with my fork – but I didn't. We laughed and we talked and we had…what could have been mistaken as a…a good time."

"Good thing we know better," a small smirk lifted at his lips.

"Don't do that!" Clare pointed an accusing finger at him.

"Do what?"

"Act like…act like how you used to – as if no time has passed, and as if you didn't rip my heart out and step all over it."

"Sorry," Eli lowered his head, widened his eyes, and jutted out his lower lip. He also placed a dramatic hand over his heart and said made a whimpering sound, "Is this better?"

"Why do you always have to make a joke of everything?" Clare was growing frustrated, and Eli could tell. He dropped the act and she said, "Do you not even care what you did to me?"

"Of course I care, Clare," Eli brushed a bang from his eyes and said, "When I left you, it killed me. I moved in with Bullfrog and Cece for a while. I was still very sick, and I wasn't working. I had a few treatments and surgeries, and I kept telling myself that I was glad you didn't have to go through the trouble with me."

"But I _wanted_ to…" Clare softened, "Eli, I _wanted_ to be by your side, holding your hand throughout everything. You would have never been a burden or a trouble. Don't you see?"

"I see that now," he sighed, "I just…I was blind and scared. I'm sorry, Clare. I am so sorry. I don't know how I can ever express to you how sorry I am. I ruined one of the best things I ever had – twice. Only once was I lucky enough to have you give me a second chance. This time, I don't deserve anymore chances. I don't deserve anything from you, Clare."

"But here we are," Clare tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, "Sitting here talking. You even made me laugh tonight. And for a brief moment when I was with the two of you – I forgot everything. Keep in mind, I said '_brief moment_.'"

Eli nodded, "For a brief moment, I forgot too. I almost felt like we were…"

"…kids again?" Clare answered for him.

"Yeah. Just like we were kids again – before the cancer and before I made the biggest mistake of my life. It was nice…to feel like that again. Even if it was just for a brief moment."

Clare was about to say something else, but Eli yawned and she said, "You're exhausted. You had a big flight, and it's late. How about we get some sleep right now and revisit this in the morning?"

"Are you sure? I can stay up and talk if you want…"

"No – it's okay. I'm getting kind of tired too, to be honest. This couch is a lot more comfortable than Adam's crummy futon. And his futon smells like rotten macaroni and cheese – it's _so_ gross."

"Ew."

"Yeah. It's not pleasant. Let me get you some blankets and an extra pillow, and I can make you a bed out here on the couch."

"Thank you."

Clare nodded and retreated to the back part of the apartment to gather the items she needed from the linen closet. When she returned, she started to put a sheet over the couch and tuck it in.

"Let me help," Eli took one end of the sheet, and together, they tucked it into the couch cushions – making a bed. Next, he helped her do the same thing with a comforter. He couldn't help but think that this was just as Clare had said – if someone didn't know better, they'd think they were friends.

"Here's a pillow," Clare handed him the extra one she had grabbed, "I'll let Adam know you're crashing here for the night…"

"Oh he's going to get a kick out of this."

"Oh brother," Clare rolled her eyes, "True. That's just a risk I will have to take. I'll also ask him about the Met tomorrow. I'll set an alarm for eight. What do you want for breakfast?"

"I can just grab a coffee…"

"No," Clare objected, a little too eagerly, "I mean, why run out for coffee when I can just make us something? I don't mind, really. We can have eggs and sausage and I have a can of biscuits in the fridge…"

"You don't _have_ to cook for me, Clare. You don't have to do anything for me."

Clare nibbled on her lower lip for a fraction of a minute before saying, "I know. Well…make yourself comfortable. If you need anything, you know where it is. Good night, Eli."

"Good night…Clare."

Clare gave him a small smile before turning and heading back towards her bedroom. She couldn't believe she had asked Eli to stay the night, and then told him she'd make them breakfast in the morning. She didn't mind, but what was she doing? Shouldn't she be contemplating murder right now, after everything he had done to her? Why was she being so nice to him?

Clare headed into the adjoining bathroom and began to take off her makeup and brush the curl from her hair. She stared at herself in the mirror, wondering if maybe she had some sort of mental issue. This wasn't normal. It wasn't normal to be so…civil – if not nice – to the person who left you and broke your heart into a thousand pieces. What was she doing?

After washing her face, Clare grabbed her phone off of the counter and dialed Adam's number.

"Did you kill him?" Adam asked, "Oh no – Clare, I do _not_ want to be an accomplice to murder…"

"No," she couldn't help but laugh softly, "I-I am just calling to tell you that Eli's going to stay here tonight…"

"_What_? Clare…you aren't going to ambush him in his sleep or anything, are you?"

"No, Adam. He's going to stay on the couch for the night. I just…we got to talking, and it's late, and I figured it'd be better if he crashed here for the night. I just wanted to let you know. Also, what time are we going to the Met tomorrow?"

"No, no, no, no. No talk of the Met _until_ you spill and let me know what happened between the two of you? Now I am curious."

Clare rolled her eyes, "He apologized and we just…talked. There is no harm in talking, Adam," Clare said as she crawled underneath her blankets, "I have known Eli for many years, and it was just nice to sort of…catch up. Like old…classmates."

"Clare, you and I both know that you and Eli are not just old classmates. What's going on?"

"I am just…confused. I don't know, Adam. I know I should be angry at him and not want anything to do with him, but I actually had a good time with the two of you tonight. I just…I don't understand it."

"Because you still love him."

"_Adam_!" Clare hissed into the phone, "We talked about that! I don't want you saying that!"

"But it's true. You do still love him."

"Of course I do, Adam. You know I always will. But that's not the point…"

"It most certainly is the point! Clare, you still love him. Those feelings are never going to be erased. And I know it's not my place to say anything, but I don't want you to guys to fuck everything up so I'm just going to say it – he loves you too. He always has and always will. So what are you going to do about it?"

"I don't understand…"

"Clare, you have two options here. One: You can face your feelings with him and act on it and both of you go on to live happily ever after, or Two: You can be angry and harbor all this junk and hide your feelings and both of you go the rest of your lives being miserable therefore making me miserable by association. Take your pick."

"Adam, it's not so simple. He really hurt me. I don't think anything is just going to change that…"

"Of course not, but he hurt you before and you two were able to…"

"You're not exactly helping his case, Adam," Clare rolled her eyes, "I just don't know what to do. I mean, there is no way we can just go back to the way things were, Adam. Ever. I couldn't do that."

"Clare, remember when you wanted to dye your hair?"

"Ew, yes. Don't remind me."

"Well, it was a dumb decision and you were young…."

"Oh don't even compare him walking out on me to that!"

"I just don't want to see the two people that mean the world to me hurt and miserable because they are refusing to try and fix this."

"I shouldn't _have_ to fix anything. Adam, _he_ was the one that walked out on _me_. I-I am tired. I'm going to go to bed now. We'll meet you at the Met tomorrow at eleven, alright? Just…stop asking me this stuff."

"Touchy."

"Shut up," Clare hung up the phone and threw her head back against the pillow. She rolled her head to the side to look at the clock on the nightstand only to find her little pink iPod. Clare rolled her eyes, knowing better than to listen to a song. If she listened to a song, it might cloud her judgment and that was a risk Clare couldn't afford to take.

So then why was she reaching over and turning it on. _What are you doing? Don't you listen to a song! What if a song comes on that makes you do something stupid that you're going to regret? What if you ruin everything all because of one song? You don't know what's going to play…_

Clare ignored the voice in her head and pressed PLAY. She was surprised when the familiar song softly started playing, and she turned down the volume so it wouldn't wake Eli. _Well, isn't this ironic_, the voice seemed to smirk inside of her head.

**Hey, I know it hurts to watch me leave  
But say it ain't so, how could you ever replace me?  
You're so shy when you wanna be standing in front of me  
Mind spinning in circles, you're waiting to speak  
These hands here in front of me anxiously wait to see  
How's it gonna be**

Clare thought back to that day that she had gotten that note. She thought back to the sadness and the confusion she had felt. She remember hoping and thinking that it was just a phase, that he would be back soon – but he never came back. All those nights that she had stayed awake in case he knocked or called…all the tears she had shed. Eventually she stopped, and told herself that she would never see him again. She had come to accept that he was out of her life for good and that there was nothing she could do about it.

But he was back now. He was in the same country, the same state, the same city, the same apartment as her for the first time in what felt like forever; and he would only be for a few days. It was a realization that hit Clare like a ton of bricks – Eli would be leaving in a few days. In a few days, she would have to stand by and watch him walk out that door, not knowing when or if she would ever see him again. The very thought was too much. As much as Clare hated to admit it, she didn't want to lose him twice – she couldn't lose him twice.

Maybe Adam _did_ have a point. Maybe they should try and salvage what they used to have – but where would they even begin? Everything was so broken and torn to pieces. There was no way they could ever mend themselves back together. Clare closed her eyes and let the lyrics of the song put things where they needed to be. She just needed to think. She needed to think and sort her feelings out – as painful as that was.

She knew she still loved Eli. She wouldn't constantly wear the ring around her neck if she didn't. She loved him and that would never stop. Even when her sadness turned to anger, she couldn't bring herself to hate him. She just couldn't do it. She loved him and nothing he was going to say or do would ever change that. He had hurt her in one of the worst ways she could imagine, and she still loved him for it. _What's wrong with you?_

**Before I go, oh oh oh oh**  
**Let me remind you what you're waiting for**  
**Before you go, oh oh oh oh**  
**Could you love me just a little bit more?**  
**One more time**

She didn't realize she was crying silent tears as she turned off the iPod and slowly made her way out to the living room. She didn't realize much of anything. It was like she was in a trance, or watching everything happen from afar. She quietly peered around the corner and saw Eli lying on the couch on his phone texting – _probably Adam_. Clare swallowed the lump in her throat and abandoned her hiding spot.

"Eli?"

"Clare?" He looked up from the phone and a soft, sad smile crossed his lips, "I hope I didn't wake you. Are you okay? What's up?"

"Eli…I can't do this."

"Do what?" His brow furrowed and his eyes swam back and forth with confusion, "Clare?"

"_This_," Clare dropped her arms to her sides, "Eli, in a few days, you're going to leave New York again. You're going to go back to Canada, and I just…I can't do that again."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't…I can't lose you again, Eli."

**Hey, hey darling, it's so damn hard to say goodbye**  
**You know I'll try my hardest, I'll never change who I am inside**  
**Try so hard and its gotta be standing in front of me**  
**Clothes on the floor, and your eyes are on me**  
**Tonights all we got, keep your arms right here were it should be**  
**Keep 'em wrapped around me**

He sat up on the couch and ran a hand through his hair, gathering his thoughts. Clare was standing in front of him with this look in her eye that he hadn't seen in far too long. She sighed and shook her head, saying –

"Eli, what am I going to do with you?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"_I mean_, I can't handle you leaving again. For months after you left, I stayed up constantly in case you'd come back, but you never did. You never came back until today. Now that you're here again, I don't want to lose you again. I don't want you to walk out that door again and turn your back on us. I can't…I can't do it twice."

He nodded, soaking in her words, "Clare, I wanted to come back. You know that, right? I wanted to call, I wanted to come back and see you and apologize and fix this but…I was too ashamed. I knew what I had done was stupid and wrong. I knew I royally screwed up, and I just…I couldn't face you after that. I know that I broke your heart, Clare. I couldn't face you after doing that."

"Clare…I left you. I hurt you more than you could ever deserve to be hurt. I can't stay, Clare. You need to go on with your life. You have so much to live for and strive for. You'll find a great guy – a guy who will never hurt you like I've hurt you. You'll be happy. You'll have this wonderful, perfect life…"

"No."

"Clare…"

"No, Eli. I could search the whole world for perfection, and nothing would even compare to you."

"Clare, I hurt you…"

"Sometimes we hurt the ones we love – but that's the beauty of love, Eli…forgiveness."

"Don't you think it'll be hard for me too?" Eli scowled, "Clare, I don't want to walk out that door for a second time, and knowing that I will have to while you stand here and ask me not to, kills me. But you don't deserve me. You deserve someone so much better. I have to leave, Clare. _You're free of me_."

"Eli…"

"Tomorrow morning, we will wake up and eat breakfast and we'll walk out that door together. I'll go to the Met with you and Adam and then I'll go back to Adam's place. I'll sleep on a futon that smells like macaroni and I'll go to my meeting and I'll fly home. I won't hurt you again."

"Can I convince you?" Clare looked at him through a curtain of eyelashes.

"No."

She pouted, "This is where you say, '_I could be persuaded._' Remember?"

"Clare, things are different now. I hurt you. I can't ever forgive myself for what I did to you. I just can't. I won't allow myself to be so lucky to have you in my life again. This is my purgatory for what I did to you all those years ago."

"In your purgatory I get punished as well?"

"Clare…"

"Eli, I won't tell you again – let me convince you."

**Oh oh oh oh**  
**Let me remind you what you're waiting for**  
**Before you go, oh oh oh oh**  
**Could you love me just a little bit more?**

When her lips collided with his, Eli didn't know what to do or what to think. He knew he should push her away – he didn't deserve something as sweet as Clare's kisses – but he didn't. She was straddling him now on the couch, kissing him, and he wasn't doing a damned thing to stop it. Clare kissed him desperately. She felt like this was her last chance to make him stay – to convince him not to leave her a second time. The kisses were hungry and desperate as they ravished each other's mouths.

After they pulled away, thirsting for air, she said, "You broke my heart once – don't you dare do it a second time, Elijah Goldsworthy!"

"Clare…"

"I said – _don't you dare_."

"Clare…"

"Eli, I need you. I don't know why. I want to hate you for what you did to me, but I can't. I am too happy to see you again, too happy that you're healthy, and too happy to be sharing this moment with you. I love you too much and that is my damnation, but so be it. In hell I shall happily rot if this is my damnation."

"Clare…"

"Eli, don't try to talk me out of this…"

"Clare, I'm not trying to talk you out of this. All I was going to say was maybe I need to be convinced just a bit more?" He wiggled an eyebrow and Clare couldn't help but laugh.

"Elijah Joel Goldsworthy, you know as well as I that your mind has already been made up, and you just want to kiss me more."

"And that's a bad thing?" Eli quirked an eyebrow.

**Say baby don't go, go, go**  
**I don't think I'm finished with you yet**  
**Baby don't go, go, go**  
**I'll never be finished with you, no no no**  
**Don't go now, baby**  
**Don't let me fall asleep alone**  
**She said, 'Oh no no, baby'**  
**I can't do this on my own**

"I love you," Eli's voice was husky as he stared down at the girl in front of him. She had her back against the bedroom wall and he essentially had her pinned beneath him. She smirked that smirk she had picked up from him, and caught his lower lip between hers.

"I love you too," she said, but she was hungry. She had been starved of her true love's kisses for far too long, and now that she had finally had a taste, she was desperate and greedy for more, "Now kiss me!"

"Yes ma'am," Eli smirked before his lips collided with hers.

**Before I go, oh oh oh oh**  
**Let me remind you what you're waiting for**  
**Before you go, oh oh oh oh**  
**Could you love me just a little bit more?**  
**One more time**  
**I'll never leave too long**  
**I wanna make it clear**  
**And if you wait for me**  
**I'll always keep you here**

"Adam is going to have a field day when he finds out," Clare smiled beneath her lover. Eli adjusted the pillow behind her head and said –

"If he doesn't get so overjoyed and give himself a heart attack first."

"A risk we will just have to take."

"Yup."

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, silly," Eli's nose rubbed against hers, "You know I don't deserve you…"

"You deserve the world."

"But after what I did to you…"

"You did it out of love. It was stupid, but you meant well," Clare explained, "And after all these years, you still love me. That is what matters, Eli. You were my first love and my last love."

"You are my world, Clare Edwards."

"And you are mine."

"_The blood in my veins…_"

"_And the salt in my sea._"

**Oh oh oh oh**  
**Let me remind you what you're waiting for**  
**Before you go, oh oh oh oh**  
**Could you love me just a little, love me just a little bit more?**  
**Love me just a little, love me just a little bit more?**

**Author's Note: Don't worry, it's not over yet! **


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: I've made a middle name for Eli before but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. And I can't remember what story I did so in. If you remember, please let me know! Thanks guys!**

Chapter Seven  
Song: None

Clare stirred herself awake. She was cold and went to pull the blanket up around her. Why was she so cold? Then she remembered. She blushed furiously as she crawled out of bed, careful not to wake the man next to her, and grabbed her robe off the hook on the back of her bedroom door. She wrapped the robe around her and raked her fingers through her matted hair. She turned back to the bed, and placed a hand over her mouth to keep from gasping.

It had been real and it wasn't just a dream. She and Eli had slept together. She leaned against the door, still with her hand over her mouth, not really knowing what to think about that. Should she be angry with herself for doing something so irresponsible? But…it hadn't been irresponsible. There was nothing wrong about what they had done last night.

They had made love. They have given themselves to each other once again for the first time in ten years and it had felt right. Oh it had felt so right. It was as if everything she had ever hoped for, dreamed of, prayed for, and imagined came true last night. She and Eli _had made love_. Clare withdrew her hand from her mouth, and turned to look at the clock by the bed. It was almost eight. She hurried to turn it off before the alarm would sound, then knelt down next to Eli's side of the bed. She brushed some of the ebony bangs from his eyes and said gently –

"Eli, it's time to get up."

He stirred slightly, then blinked his eyes awake. When he saw her, a lazy smile crossed his face and he reached up to touch one of her curls.

"Clare," he said, her name dripping like honey form his lips.

"Eli," she leaned down and kissed him softly, "I'm going to make us breakfast."

"Do you need some help?" He asked shifting so he was now sitting up against the pillow.

"Help would be lovely."

"Give me a minute to get something on," Eli smirked, "Unless you'd prefer..."

"Get some clothes on," Clare laughed, rolling her eyes, "I'll be in the kitchen getting everything together. We're meeting Adam about eleven, so let's leave here about ten. Alright?"

"So…that's in two hours."

"Breakfast first," Clare stood from the floor, "Then we'll talk."

Eli smirked, liking the sound of that, as she headed out the door. Once in the kitchen, she got the can of biscuits from the fridge and cracked it against the counter to open it. After turning on the oven, she pulled out the cookie sheet and began to place the biscuits on the cookie sheet. As she was doing so, she felt a pair of arms tighten around her and lips brush her neck.

"Hello," she smiled, turning around to face Eli, "How did you sleep."

"Best damn sleep I've gotten in ten years. You?"

"Same," Clare blushed, "Um…can you get out the eggs and butter from the fridge?"

"Aw, but kissing you is more fun."

"Eli," Clare raised an eyebrow and he pouted slightly before giving in. After popping the biscuits in the oven, Clare mixed together some cracked eggs, butter, and tons of black pepper. She scooped out some butter onto the skillet and let it heat up. Eli helped by stirring the eggs so they wouldn't stick, and Clare ground some coffee.

"You wanna know something, Edwards?" Eli asked.

"What's that?"

"I could dangerously get used to this."

Clare bit her bottom lip, and didn't reply. She didn't know how to. Truth be told, she could get quite used to this too – and she knew what he meant by it being dangerous. They couldn't – could they? Clare shook the question from her head as she finished grounding the coffee beans.

"We shouldn't tell Adam," Eli decided, still stirring the eggs, "I mean, he knows I slept here, but he doesn't need to know details. He'd get too excited and it would get his hopes up." Clare remembered then that she had asked Eli to stay last night - as in, _stay_-stay. She had told him that she would convince him. Maybe she didn't convince him enough. But maybe he was just being rational. After all, he couldn't possibly _stay_-stay here.

"Oh…yeah. I understand. Besides, it's none of his business anyways."

Once everything was done, and breakfast was on the table, they sat down to eat. Eli sat in the chair he had always set in before, and Clare sat in hers. It was nice having him around again. He just seemed to belong there. Clare knew that that was a dangerous thing to think. He didn't belong there. He belonged back in Toronto with his job and his family…

"So, I think – since I am leaving in two days – we should just enjoy this."

"What is _this_, exactly?" Clare asked, putting the fork down and neglecting the bite she had been about to take.

"Well…I don't really know exactly. I mean…you know I don't deserve any of this, Clare. And yet, you're giving it to me. You offered me your couch, you're making breakfast for me, we slept together last night! I don't know what this is, but it feels like…like old times."

"It _can't_ feel like old times," Clare tried to sound authoritative, "You know that. We…we have separate lives now, Eli. It's been ten years. A decade, Eli. You can't just pick up where we left off. It doesn't work like that." She was so confused. She wanted Eli to stay with her more than anything - to pick right back up as if they hadn't missed a beat. But they couldn't. It wasn't logical for him to just throw everything away in Toronto to come live with her - and she couldn't ask him to do such a thing.

Eli rolled his eyes and took a sip of his coffee.

"What?" Clare asked, annoyed, "What was that look for?"

"Nothing," Eli choked back a chuckle.

"What? Elijah Goldsworthy, this is a serious conversation!"

His chuckle broke into a full-blown laugh and Clare stared at him agape. He had totally lost it. Great. Now she was stuck in the middle of her apartment alone with a crazy person. Eli was chuckling into a fist when Clare had the brilliant idea to grab a biscuit and –

"Did that just happen?" Eli raised an eyebrow, his composure suddenly regained, "Did you really just throw a biscuit at me?"

"To get your attention," Clare explained, "Now, why are you laughing? This is a serious matter and…"

"Clare Edwards, you do _not_ get to just throw biscuits at people and get away with it."

"It was to get your attention…why are you laughing?"

"Because," Eli smirked, as he cut his biscuit in two, spread jam on it, put the two halves back together and said, "You've got jam in your hair…"

"Elijah Joel Goldsworthy – _don't you dare_!"

"Oh, so you can be the barbarian and throw food at the dinner table, but I can't? Yeah, I can _definitely_ see the fairness in that."

"Eli!" Clare squealed right as the biscuit collided into her hair. Clare let out the sound of a cat that had been dunked into a bucket of water. She picked sticky biscuit crumbs from her hair, "I cannot believe you just did that!"

"Well you did it to me."

"To get your attention!"

"Alright, so maybe I have an excuse too."

"Oh, I'd love to hear this."

"I can see this little smile trying so hard to break through this icy shell you've created. It's trying so hard, and that was my excuse – to get that little smile to resurface. I _know_ you're enjoying having me here, Clare. I know you like having me back. I don't deserve you in my life again, but here we are. I just don't want you to force yourself to be miserable because you're too scared of having a good time with me."

"I am _not_ scared…"

"Oh really? Because you're certainly acting like it."

"Well, even if I was, I have pretty much the best excuse ever – _my fiancé walked out on me_! Forgive me for being cautious."

"You weren't cautious last night. I remember you being the one to come out into the living room."

"I need to get a shower and wash this out of my hair. Enjoy your breakfast."

"Oh, come on! Don't get angry!" Eli hopped up from the table and followed behind her towards the bedroom, "Clare, you want to laugh. You want to have a fun time with me, but you don't want to admit that to yourself. You haven't had fun for ten years and the very thought of it terrifies you!"

"_Excuse me_?" Clare turned on a heel, put her hands on her hips and glared right at Eli, "Who says I haven't had fun in ten years?"

"Cat lady without the cats?"

"I have fun, for your information. I can be a real…party animal."

"Sure."

"I can!"

"Prove it."

"Fine!" Clare huffed, grabbed his hand, and dragged him into the bathroom with her, "You want these next few days to be fun?"

"Yes, Clare," Eli sighed, noticing she was still gruffly holding his wrist, "I haven't seen you in ten years. By some miracle, here we are together again and we're actually – well up until two minutes ago – having a good time together. I don't deserve this, but I love having you in my life again. Even if it's just two days. I want those two days to be memorable. I want those two days to…to tide me over for the rest of my life. We…by some weird miracle…we fit. And we work. And we have fun. Before I leave again, let's just have fun."

"Suit yourself," Clare let go of his wrist and untied the bathrobe from around her waist.

"What are you doing?" Eli's eyes were saucers as a small smirk played at her lips.

"You told me last night that you were leaving and I told you I didn't want you to. I said I was going to convince you not to walk out that door for a second time. Remember?"

"Yes…and I _want_ to stay with you. You know I do, Clare. We both want this. It's just hard. It's like…we want this but at the same time, there's so much past history. I want to be with you and you want to be with me. But I hurt you Clare. And you…you're over here sending me mixed signals and I…"

"I know," Clare sighed and stared down at the floor, grabbing his hands and holding them sweetly, "I just…I don't know what I want either. I never expected you to be back in my life again. I know realistically you have to walk out that door again. We have lives, Eli. So logically speaking, you have to leave. But when you said we should enjoy these last few days, I agree. We should."

"And how does _Miss Cat Lady_ propose we do that?" Eli raised an eyebrow.

"Prove to you just how fun I can be," Clare smirked and the robe fell down around her ankles, "I don't know about you, but I am in the mood for a shower."

* * *

When they arrived at the Met, Adam was standing outside waiting for them. It would be crowded, given that it was a Saturday; but it was so big there would be plenty of room to walk and see what they wanted to see. As soon as they neared Adam, he hopped off the wall he was leaning against and looked from Eli to Clare, and then back to Eli.

"Damn it," Adam rolled his eyes, a huge grin plastered on his face, "I can't leave you two alone for one night? _One night!"_

"What are you um…talking about?" Clare asked innocently, tucking a curl behind her ear.

"You two _totally_ did it!" Adam pointed a dramatically accusing finger at the two.

"Adam, you're causing a scene," Eli glared at him, "And no we did not '_do it_' as you so eloquently put it. I stayed on the couch the whole night. We were very well behaved."

"Uh-huh," Adam rolled his eyes, not believing them for a second, "I saw you two walk up here – all bumping into each other and shit. And _you_," he glared at Clare, "Are totally blushing. If you two were _so 'well behaved'_ you would _not_ be blushing right now! I think you two did it! Heck, I think you two did it _twice_!"

"_Twice_?" Clare choked and then blushed furiously, "Adam…."

"See! Oh I knew it! I knew it!"

"Are you done now?" Eli asked simply. It was Adam's turn to blush as he realized people were now staring.

"Yes. Yes I am."

"Good. Can we just get on with it then?"

"Sorry," Adam mumbled, "But really...what is going on with you two?"

"We'll let you know when we figure that one out ourselves," Eli sighed.

They headed inside and paid for their tickets. They decided to go see the paintings first. As they were walking through the spacious gallery, Eli grabbed hold of Clare's hand and jerked his head, signaling that he wanted to show her something. Adam was caught up in looking at a Titian painting featuring two naked women.

"Where are you taking me?" Clare asked, her brow furrowed.

"It's been a decade, Clare, but I still remember," Eli rounded the corner and took Clare to a more private section of the gallery. There was a little three-walled area and Clare gasped when she saw the painting he had taken her to.

"Your favorite," he presented her with it.

"Vsevolod Mikhailovich Garshin by Ilia Efimovich Repin," Clare tilted her head to the side and stared at the painting, "I can't believe you remembered – and remembered where it is! I _love_ this painting!"

"Me too," Eli reminded her, "Vsevolod – the tortured madman writer slaving over his books – possessed by his need to write."

"Sounds like someone else I know," Clare smiled up at him, "Maybe that's what drew me to this painting. I remember when I first saw it. Those eyes of a tortured madman that stare right through you. I remember how I just stared at this painting for almost an hour, and he stared back. I love how I can almost see all his pain and misery and desperation. I love how I can…connect with him."

"Didn't you read one of his books?" Eli asked.

"Yes," Clare smiled, "My favorite painting. Thank you for bringing me to him."

"Of course," Eli bit his bottom lip between his teeth before he said, "Clare, I just wanted to tell you…"

"_There_ you guys are!" Adam came around the corner, "I was looking _everywhere_! Way to just take off without me!"

"You were too busy staring at the naked women in that painting," Eli rolled his eyes.

"They're muses," Clare explained, "That's why they're naked."

"Or they're whores," Adam shrugged, "I mean, two guys in the middle of the forest with two naked ladies? Huh…am I right?"

"No, no you're not," Clare shook her head but couldn't help but laugh, "Adam, you're ridiculous."

Adam rolled his eyes, "Whatever. Pick on me all you want. What are you two lovebirds doing over here? Oh, that's your favorite painting, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Clare smiled, staring into the eyes of the painting, "I could stare at it all day."

"Please don't," Adam gagged, "I'm bored. Let's go check out armor."

"Yes!" He and Eli fist-bumped and Clare followed them towards the armor section of the museum. As they walked, Eli caught hold of her hand. She smiled up at him, and was actually surprised by her feelings.

They walked through the armor section and looked at the various armor from various periods. Clare wasn't really paying attention as Adam and Eli discussed which super hero versus which super villain could take who in which armor. She was paying attention to the feeling of her hand inside Eli's.

She thought back to the time she had spent with him in the apartment – the talking, the throwing biscuits, the making love. All of it had been so perfect. How could it have been so perfect when there was so much between them? Maybe he had been right when he had talked about some weird miracle. Clare didn't know what to do or think. All she knew was that he had been right – it was almost like old times. It was as if no time had passed between them at all. He was with her now, and he was healthy.

Clare nibbled on her lower lip as Adam and Eli argued more. In two days, Eli would be gone again. In just a few hours, her world had become whole again. In two short days, it would come crumbling down again. How was she ever supposed to be mentally prepared for that? How was she supposed to say goodbye to Eli? After everything? She couldn't take it if he walked out that door again. Losing him again would definitely be more than she could ever handle. She couldn't do that a second time.

They walked through the museum, her hand in his, and Clare's thoughts running a mile a minute. She never expected to have him in her life again. She had never expected him to make her feel this way again. She felt like she was suddenly sixteen and falling head over heels for him again. Right in the middle of Adam and Eli's discussion, she couldn't take it anymore. All these thoughts had festered too long, and she blurted out –

"Eli, please stay!"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight  
Song: None

"Clare," Eli's brow furrowed and he titled his head to the side, not knowing what to say. Adam was standing there with his eyes as big as saucers, and Clare was blushing furiously as she stared into Eli's eyes, trying to hold her ground. Eli glanced around the museum, hoping they hadn't caused much of a scene.

"You two need to talk," Adam held his hands up, "I am not going to get in the middle of this."

"I don't know what she wants from me," Eli threw his hands up in the air, "She keeps sending me a bunch of different signals. Last night she wanted me to stay, this morning she wanted me to go, and now she wants me to stay again? I can't do this rollercoaster ride with her. I just can't, Adam. "

"Eli…" Clare knew she had been wrong. She had been flip-flopping about him staying all night. She knew he needed to go back to his life in Toronto. She knew she was being selfish in asking him to stay, but she desperately couldn't take losing him a second time. She grabbed his sleeve, but he pulled away – recoiling at her touch. Her brow creased with confusion.

"Clare, you keep changing what you want. Last night it was for me to stay, this morning it was for me to go, and now it's for me to stay again? I know I don't deserve to have you back in my life, but you can't keep pulling me around like this. I love having you in my life again. Last night and this morning were more than I could have ever dreamed of…but I just can't do this constant flip-flopping. I-I'm going to go for a walk. Adam, I'll see you at your place later."

"Eli…" Adam protested, "You two should really…"

"We need to clear our heads first," Eli shook his head, and said, "She needs to take some time to decide what she wants. If she wants me to stay, I will. I'll go home and pack up and come back out here for good and never leave again. If she wants me to go, then I will go back to Toronto and finish out the life I have there. But she needs to decide. I left her, Adam. This needs to be her decision. Clare," he turned to her, "I want you to really think about this, alright? Think about what you want, Clare."

She nodded, hating the thought of him leaving after they had been having such a good time at the museum. But he did have a point. Her head was telling her one thing, and her heart was telling her the opposite. She needed to make up her mind about what was best. She couldn't keep doing this to both of them. She watched as Eli turned and headed out towards the exit of the Met. She didn't want to, but she turned and looked at Adam. He was glaring at her with his arms folded over his chest.

"Adam…"

"What is the matter with you?" Adam's brow creased, "You two are so good together and you keep shoving him away and pulling him back. You slept with him, Clare. You tell him to stay, you tell him not to stay. What do you want? Make up your mind, Clare."

"I want him to stay," Clare sighed and stared intently down at the flooring, "I really do. When I am with him, everything just feels right. I can't explain it. I just feel like him being next to me is what…is what is meant to be."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is…I don't know. Alright? I don't know what the problem is here! I want to tell him to stay and mean it, but at the same time, I'm scared Adam. I am so scared of him leaving again, the cancer coming back, and him throwing away his life that he's made in Toronto just to move here with me."

"Clare, you can't worry about those things. You can't let those get in the way of you having a great life with Eli. Remember, he loves New York. He lived here too. We all moved out here because he wanted to live here, remember? Clare, I'd love to see you and Eli back together, but you got to do what is right for you. Don't say yes on a whim, and don't say no on a whim either. Really take the time to think it over and then decide."

"Adam?"

"You want me to take you to Junior's for a Strawberry Cheesecake?" Adam raised an eyebrow and Clare nodded eagerly, loving how he could read her mind, "You got it. But promise me you'll think about all of this today. Promise me you'll consider what it is you really want – no more flip-flopping."

"I will."

Over coffee and cheesecake at Junior's, Clare and Adam talked about her relationship and standing with Eli. Adam remained objective, and mostly sat back, nibbled on the cheesecake, and listened to Clare. He smiled as her face lit up as she talked about how much fun she had been having with Eli, and how seeing him again was like this whole realization of just how much she had missed him. He held her hand as she started to cry, talking of how much pain he had put her through and remembering the darker days in which she didn't eat, didn't leave the house, and didn't speak to anyone. Not even Adam for awhile.

After about an hour, and two slices of cheesecake, she said, "I think I know what I want."

"Okay," Adam put his fork down and quirked an eyebrow at her, "And…"

Clare just stared down at her folded hands and smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: About damn time, huh?**

"Why did you want to meet me?" Eli asked, his hands shoved deep into his pockets as he glanced at the Alice in Wonderland statute – it had always been Clare's favorite; it was an appropriate spot for them to meet.

"I…I know what I want, Eli."

"Good for you."

"Eli!"

"Clare, I know I screwed up, alright? I know and I can never forgive myself for what I did to you. But you know that I love you, right? I love you more than anything. But you keep changing your mind about me. It's like, one moment you want everything to be okay between us and reconcile, but the next, it's like you're spending every second convincing yourself what a horrible idea it is."

Clare leaned against the statue and pushed a strand of hair out of her eyes. His words stung, but she knew they were true. She had done that to him, and it hadn't been fair. Now, she finally had made her decision and she knew what she had to do. She had lost Eli once before, and she was not about to risk losing him a second time.

"I know," she nodded, "I know it hasn't been fair to you. We've both hurt each other quite a lot throughout our time together, but I just can't bear the thought of losing you again, Eli. I don't know how we'd work out – you with your career, and me with mine…"

"Clare…"

"But I want to try. I want you in my life again. I don't want to lose you a second time. Spending this time with you…I just don't want to say goodbye to you. I don't want you to walk out my door again, never knowing when or if I would see you again. We've both made some mistakes, but just know that I think if I were to lose you again, on account of my own volition, then that would be the biggest mistake I could ever make."

Eli opened up his arms, and invited her into a hug. He kissed her forehead and said, "Clare, are you sure this is what you want? You're not going to change your mind again, are you?"

"Eli, I have never been so sure of anything in my life before as I am right now."

"Okay," a broad smile spread across his face, "So…does this mean I should plan to move back into the apartment, or what?"

Clare laughed, "Before we start thinking about all of that, we should probably go tell Adam."

"You mean you haven't told him yet?"

"No," Clare slipped her hand through his.

"Poor kid must be bursting at the seams!"

Together, hand in hand, they headed towards the pond where Adam was waiting, watching kids sail miniature sailboats. When he saw Clare and Eli approach, he raised an eyebrow and a huge smile spread across his lips.

"About damn time," he grinned, "Come on. Let me take you two love birds out of dinner."

_Fin._

**Author's Note: It's not the best, but I am glad to have finished it. Now I can work on finishing some of my other stuff! **


End file.
